Blog entry for:

for complicated people, or a slightly more well-worn trope: this program is simple, but not easy. both of those bon mots are certainly well within my belief system, as my experience has pointed out more than once. where once i worried if my program “looked” good enough to my peers, today, i do not care what it may look like to an outside observer. no matter how many times i do my best not to go down the rabbit hole of over-complicating what i have right in front of me, i still find myself there, time and again. i have to stop, breathe and refocus of the basics, which is more than likely where i was not looking when i started that descent.
the message of HOPE i live with one a daily basis is that an addict, ANY ADDICT, can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live. because i was a victim of deciding that i “needed” more than one fellowship, way back when, i always thought that message was a cop-out. i did not come here to find a new way of living, nor to lose my desire to use. i wanted my life back, free to do whatever i like, without worrying about when i would be called in to pee in a cup, essentially testifying against myself. i am always amazed at how ignorant i was back in those days. i actually believed uncontrollable using was freedom and abstinence was the prison. what i did not realize was that this simple program would unlock that prison and i would be freed from active addiction, for as long as i had the desire to live a program of recovery.
today, my sympathies lie with those in that other fellowship that have yet to realize that unlocking their self-made prisons is a much better deal than twelve “promises,” and that there are none who are constitutionally incapable of getting what i have been given. there are those, however, who bail when the going gets tough, blaming it on everyone and everything else, rather than accepting responsibility for their recovery. i know that, because i was one of those. i came around for nearly seven months, using, collecting chips and keeping as much distance between myself and my peers. it was my probation officer's fault that i had to sneak in a use or two when the window of opportunity presented itself, after all she was the bitch that was ruining my life.
this morning, as i sat, what i heard was that i am grateful for a program of recovery that encourages me to look after myself. i have Stage IIA melanoma cancer, which could have been much worse if i had decided that using was more important than living clean. instead of living my life under the FEAR of bankruptcy due to medical bills, i get to live in “active surveillance” for another cancer. it might not be the best of all possible outcomes, but it is not a terrible heinous one. just for today, i will remember that only i can make a simple program, complicated and only if i want to.

∞ DT ∞