โ i CAN focus on anything that is not going my way โ
Posted: Tue, Aug 7, 2012 08:27:09 AM
and ignore all the beauty in my life. an interesting reading, especially since it took a nearly a week for my former employer to approve my time card, so i guess it will be another week before i get paid. WAH WAH WAH!
yes, it is tough to find things to be grateful for, when the crap hits the fan! honestly, i can look at the positive part of my current situation, most of the time. i will get this project done, i will have a tight application to submit as sample code, and i will be a much better typist, by the time this is done. plus i will be more fit, and thinner, because i will be able to run more often. materially, well, not quite so fir, but not broke. spiritually, well i the lessons in acceptance and patience that i am getting on a daily basis, are becoming invaluable. well that was not difficult after all. of course, when i do little exercises, oi sometimes feel like a Pollyanna hypocrite, the sort that i used to pick out in church when i was a church going sort of person. the type. that were blinded to the cruel cold realities of life and when hit with them, always fell back on to the bromide about mysterious ways, instead of wailing and gnashing their teeth. i never did find out if in private they railed against thew unfairness of it all, and cursed all that they believed in, because they felt betrayed by a capricious and random GOD. i know, i DID, and still can, up until the moment i realize, that randomness and capriciousness ARE NOT part of what i see the POWER that fuels my recovery to be.
so how do i explain, that i followed the rules, took the opportunity i was presented and moved in FAITH, only to be dropped on my butt, two days after i started? well…
here is where the spin starts, or the rubber hits the road, or any of another thousand bromides that i can put in here to mask my disappointment with those events. honestly i am disappointed, and a bit angry at the randomness of life in general, and yes even a bit pissed at the POWER that fuels my recovery, for not giving me any warning of where this particular path was going. there, now i said it, i can move on to the gratitude part, and when i get there, i am grateful that i can be PISSED OFF and angry without FEAR, it is after all a natural feeling and emotion that i need to express. i can however, move forward from that feeling and i need not let it consume me with rage and resentment and have FAITH, that something is coming down the pike for me, all i have to do, is watch for it, be present and do my best to grasp that opportunity when it comes. my back is not yet against a wall, i have stuff to do, miles to run and yes another day to be clean.
which i think i will go do: run, work and hang with my brothers in a smoke-filled room being crude, rude and socially unacceptable, as that feels like the next right thing to do. it is a good day to be clean.
yes, it is tough to find things to be grateful for, when the crap hits the fan! honestly, i can look at the positive part of my current situation, most of the time. i will get this project done, i will have a tight application to submit as sample code, and i will be a much better typist, by the time this is done. plus i will be more fit, and thinner, because i will be able to run more often. materially, well, not quite so fir, but not broke. spiritually, well i the lessons in acceptance and patience that i am getting on a daily basis, are becoming invaluable. well that was not difficult after all. of course, when i do little exercises, oi sometimes feel like a Pollyanna hypocrite, the sort that i used to pick out in church when i was a church going sort of person. the type. that were blinded to the cruel cold realities of life and when hit with them, always fell back on to the bromide about mysterious ways, instead of wailing and gnashing their teeth. i never did find out if in private they railed against thew unfairness of it all, and cursed all that they believed in, because they felt betrayed by a capricious and random GOD. i know, i DID, and still can, up until the moment i realize, that randomness and capriciousness ARE NOT part of what i see the POWER that fuels my recovery to be.
so how do i explain, that i followed the rules, took the opportunity i was presented and moved in FAITH, only to be dropped on my butt, two days after i started? well…
here is where the spin starts, or the rubber hits the road, or any of another thousand bromides that i can put in here to mask my disappointment with those events. honestly i am disappointed, and a bit angry at the randomness of life in general, and yes even a bit pissed at the POWER that fuels my recovery, for not giving me any warning of where this particular path was going. there, now i said it, i can move on to the gratitude part, and when i get there, i am grateful that i can be PISSED OFF and angry without FEAR, it is after all a natural feeling and emotion that i need to express. i can however, move forward from that feeling and i need not let it consume me with rage and resentment and have FAITH, that something is coming down the pike for me, all i have to do, is watch for it, be present and do my best to grasp that opportunity when it comes. my back is not yet against a wall, i have stuff to do, miles to run and yes another day to be clean.
which i think i will go do: run, work and hang with my brothers in a smoke-filled room being crude, rude and socially unacceptable, as that feels like the next right thing to do. it is a good day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞