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ironic, that of all the 10th step question is could consider at the end of my day, this is the one that i think of the least. oh sure, i moth the words and talk the talk, but of all the people that fill the world, i treat myself the worst of all.
be that as it may, the reading was not about how i treat myself, but about the 10th step. so before i get too far down that rabbit hole, i have to state,, that i am of the opinion and the practice, that no matter what my focus, no matter what question i may ask, just taking the time to do a daily inventory, is well worth the effort, that effort is one i expend on a daily basis, and is more than likely one of the reasons i am still clean today. more than likely, it is also one of the reasons that i am still hooked into the recovery fellowship the way i am. so when i am being a real sh!t to people, like i have been recently, the 10th step provides me clues to why. these days? it is my looming SIXTH STEP that is working me, and in reaction to that pressure, i am going to see the sponse this week to get moving out of this place.
that my friends, is called taking care of myself, although working a SIXTH STEP, is far form gentle. as i see the rabbit hole in front of me, i also know how to get back on that track. part of what i uncovered in my FIFTH STEP, was some shame, some guilt and some pain, that over the past decades has morphed into a simmering anger at myself, bordering on resentment. that anger, i often mistook for passion, although i am sure it was part of the passion i felt and feel about certain issues and causes. however, that anger was severely misdirected as i was not the one who did the deed, pretended it never happened or asked anyone to keep quiet about it. i was not there to witness the deed, nor was i at that time capable of even handling the knowledge of that deed. yes i am angry at the perpetrator, that is properly placed, what that person did was WRONG! yes i am angry at those who chose not to believe even when it happened again, that too is WRONG! however, because of the person i am, i had to be angry at myself because somehow, i should have been omnipotent and omnipresent and been there to take matter into my own hands. hence, because i failed, i deserve to punish myself everyday. the Penitentes method of recovery. a whip cross the back saves nine! the whole “i am not worthy” paradigm that i believed was endemic in the religion of my youth. ironic, that the worst parts of that are the ones that echo today the strongest in me.
will that question be considered tonight? more than likely, but tomorrow and beyond is quite a different matter. what i would prefer to do,, is to take it into the proactive form, that much of living in recovery is these days, and ask before i decide to act, “is this action part of being good to myself?”
so the morning advances and i need to get ready to draft my football team. that is being good to myself, as i get to play with my friends, a game that lasts for the next 18 weeks or so, and one where i can talk smack and i do not have to put up, because the results are mostly out of my hands, living in the on any given Sunday world, as it were. it is a good day to be clean and i will be good to myself today, starting RIGHT NOW!

∞ DT ∞