Blog entry for:

**where did i find joy in my life today? how can i continue to do so?**
man, it has already been a year, since we brought Miss Crazy Daisy home, unreal. and yes, i altered the questions that i lifted from the daily reading to fit my current assignment.
accepting who i am, cynic and all, had meant that from time to time i have gone to extremes, as i am apt to do. accepting that i am a cynic and embracing that part of me, is a good thing to do. allowing that part of me, to influence every single perception of the world, and color me pessimistic, well that was an overreaction and becoming someone i am not. when i sat down with my sponse, not all that long ago, he detected that i was “all over the map.” his words, not mine, and gave me an assignment as part of my formal work on STEP TEN to look for the joy in my life, and see what the payoffs are for what i do in my day to day living. as wired as that may sound, in retrospect, what i see it as, is a way of bringing balance back into my life. as spiritual and altruistic as i wish to appear, the truth is, like just about every one else out there, there is a consequence for everything that i do, whether that be a reward or punishment, it is a consequence nevertheless. for me, denying that i did things d=for a reward was just part of the false humility i put forward as who i wanted to be seen as, when in truth i wanted all the good to be discovered and would lead you right to it, and do my best to pretend it was not there, until you noticed. severely passive-aggressive in seeking praise. asking those two questions, as part of my daily inventory has revealed that yes i may do good things, with little or no expectation of reward, except, that it makes me feel better about myself as a person. some times, i do good things just to get others to notice me, and make me the center of attention, which is also something i like to feel. and sometimes i do them, on the very down-low, because i do not want to be seen as a “two shoes” and think i am getting away with something, which is still something that gives me a thrill. all in all, quite a mixed bag of motives, and one that shows, that no matter how badly i want to look good in the eyes of my peers, it is better to own what i am, and not worry about what they think, after all, there are certainly more and far more interesting flavors of the month to be talking about these days.
well i think i have run out of things to say, so i guess it is time to hit the dusty trail to Boulder and see what i can accomplish on this day of MEETINGS BONANZA! so yes i can be an a$$hole, judgmental, cynical and certain you are all tali9king about me. yes i can be a saint, doling the next right thing, just because it is the next right thing to do. most of the time, however, i am a little of both and certainly far more human than i ever want to admit, because it does not fit into who i thought i was when i walked into the rooms. even after a few days clean, how i saw myself, back in those days, is still being reflected back to me today. in the struggle between who i am, and who i think i am, the who i am today side is certainly winning and that side of me, certainly does think that today would be a good day to stay clean.

∞ DT ∞