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intimacy over isolation was not an option in my active addiction. intimacy meant others has the tools to destroy me and by being aloof and isolated, i felt safe locked into my little world. my fear of getting battered by what i may reveal when i share with my peers, is still very real and often paralyzes me when it comes to the point where i NEED to share what is going on in my life. i “know” that i have yet to die after allowing another to see my deepest darkest self, but i am still hesitant when push comes to shove.
what i heard this morning was more than a bit of gratitude for being the gift of intimacy as part of my recovery. even with all the stuff going on in my head, that i alluded to above, i am still grateful that i have friend, peers and acquaintances who know when i am fVcked up beyond all recognition, and call me on my shit. if i had chosen to go down the dark path of hiding in shadows as i was accustomed to doing, i am sure that i would not have even half of what i have today, a sense of self, and a strong feeling of being worth more than i ever have been in the past. i may still be figuring out my identity after being the “service guy,” but at least i am willing to show what i am to those around me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞