Blog entry for:

in recovery, requires a bit more than simply going to meetings. i have to admit it, my meeting attendance has fallen across the course of my recovery journey and shoe no sign of all of a sudden increasing. i do not need to rationalize, nor justify that reality, simply accept it for what it is, my reality at this time. it is not meetings that reset my moral compass and return it to true North, it is a daily TENTH STEP, which is my kludgy way of transitioning into what i heard, while paying homage to the spirit of the reading today.
when i consider all that i do in a day, and what my motives were for each and every decision or action i took, i get more than a bit overwhelmed. as a result, across the course of my recovery, the TENTH STEP has played varying roles in my daily active program of recovery. early on, i basically ignored it. when i approached the TENTH STEP for the second time, i wrote it night after night for far too long, as i was hoping for my sponsor to re-materialize from out of the ether. by the time he did, i had moved on, but in the interim and until i got to STEP TEN for my third go around, i obsessively wrote out an inventory every night. as a result it became ingrained in me, that a daily inventory was something i NEEDED to do and was an activity that was worth whatever time it took, once i got out of the “rote” method of doing it. that time varies each and every night. i initiate the process and when it is done, it is done. as a result, i can lay my head on the pillow and fall asleep with little or no trouble, most nights. what i seem to get most from this daily practice is progress towards the balance i am seeking in my life — emotional, spiritual and physical. i get wound down, i have the opportunity to admit a wrong or three and as i “sit” i can feel a part of a practice that my peers engage in as well.
ah the virtues of living a program of active recovery, sunshine, light and rainbows — it certainly would be nice, if that is how it worked in my life. the fact of the matter is, i always want more, even when what i want is more serenity and more balance in my life. what i do not want to do is work more harder to meet those desires and this is the boundary i cross into getting what i work for and getting what i think i am entitled to. something that has been popping up a whole lot lately is me noticing how over-entitled people seem to be getting and how they will cruelly “drag” an overheated and exhausted dog to the top of the mountain, just because they can. i am guilty of something similar, as our little Daisy is sun-burned from my little afternoon excursions with her. i truly feel bad, that i did not notice and now that i have been made aware of that fact, i will time our exercise bits to early morning or early evening jaunts when the sun is far less intense. i can own that i am wrong, even if it is to a family pet.
ah time is slip, slip, slipping away and today i have many miles to travel. it is a good day to be clean and if i CHOOSE to do so, perhaps i can keep from owing a general amends to those i share the highways and by-ways with, just for today.

∞ DT ∞