Blog entry for:

footing, certainly looks and feels like something i wish to achieve. it is also a state that i can delude myself into thinking that it is something i **got.** point in case: i believed i was on sound spiritual footing for twenty-three years clean, when i was still living a lie and feeding myself stories about how downtrodden i was and how victimized i felt by the world around me.
for the first time this week i am getting this in the books before i get my workout done, even though i was fifteen minutes late, getting out of bed. i am far from certain how i accomplished that task. i do not need to fret over that fact, just accept it and move on. i can say that although my new job is challenging and the culture i am going into feels alien to me, i am glad for having the opportunity to try out my wings, as it were. it is strange to work at a place that values me, rather than a place that uses equity as a hammer to pay less and treat all their employees the same, regardless of the talent they bring to the table. i wonder if those same stingy benefit offerings are also found in the upper echelons of management, or if equity stops at the VP level. that is a question that i will never have answered and one that i can walk away from, as i will never, ever work for that employer again.
back to the topic i started with, sound spiritual footing. when i started this exercise i did intimate that perhaps because of the lie that defined me, that i was living a sham spiritual life. i did that on purpose, as i often like to extend metaphors and write a touch of hyperbole. i have to admit, that those twenty-three and a half years of being clean, were not a lie. my reluctance to surrender to the program, however was derived from the lie i believed. how on earth, could i ever reveal myself to a room full of strangers, as broken as i was? as i plodded through each day of my recovery, i finally reached a point where the stories sounded less true and it was time to get to the root cause. here i am in the aftermath, waiting to hear from my sponse about how to move forward and more importantly willing to do so.
my daily inventories, and they truly are a daily thing, have been a bit short and shallow of late. where i feel i “need” to go, is to dive back into a bit more detail. anyhow, with that on the top of my mind, i think i will suit up and hit the streets. i know that i am not broken beyond repair and probably not broken at all, just different. i know that today, i can be a part of something more and still be myself, no more hiding in the spiritual shadows hoping no one can see the “real” me.

∞ DT ∞