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i thought that merely getting rid of the drugs would restore sanity to my life. for a while, that was certainly true, regardless of what the reading seems to say. HOWEVER, there came a time in my recovery, where just not using was not enough. the fallacy i believed about what addiction was or was not, was exploding in my face and as i ventured closer and closer to active addiction to relieved my misery, i finally GOT, that addiction, as a part of me, needed to be treated beyond its most obvious symptom, my uncontrolled use of drugs. as i multi-task this morning, and try to get moving on what i am paid to do, i can totally accept that addiction is a pervasive element of who i am. yes that is correct, it is not some foreign entity or another personality, it is me. i know in rooms, sometimes our concepts are dumbed down, so that they are easier to accept, but for me, i had to stop eating and spewing the pablum, sooner or later. i suspect that is the case for anyone, who wants more for their lives, than just the cessation of the desire to use, but i would hardly force my point of view upon those who are not quite ready to get it. this whole idea that addiction is a complex disease, puts me off these days. i see nothing complicated in it, nor do i see it as being a disease that i have somehow acquired. it is just me, or at least a part of the whole that is me. how i became an addict, or whether or not i was born an addict is an argument akin to how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, fun for a minute, but in the long run, useless, pointless and far from germane. at least to me. i do however, need to acknowledge that no matter how i view it, addiction colors my view of the world and my place in it. until accepted that in my heart, this whole recovery gig was almost useless, as there was very little growth for me personally, emotionally and especially spiritually. as i grow into someone i barely recognize, i see that it is not just addiction that changes my belief system, it is also the recovery process. those changes are for the good, most of the time, or lat least when it comes to me. addiction and recovery, seem to have become my yin and yang, each defining and limiting the other, but in the long run, there is an uneasy balance to be struck. it would be nice if this was a static condition, the balance that is. unfortunately, at least in my experience, without putting energy into the recovery portion, the natural tendency is for addiction to grow and diminish the recovery side. my natural state, once addiction had manifested itself in my life, is to be consumed by it. recovery is the only thing i can do, to offset that natural drift.
anyhow, i lost my train of thought, so i guess that means it is time to move on and get cracking on my task at hand.

∞ DT ∞