Blog entry for:

and ask for the strength to walk through them. this morning, i am in a weird sort of mood, not wanting top get ready to go to work and get started on my busy day, and yet knowing that once i get rolling i will be grateful that i did get moving. while i am not struggling with my feelings today, i certainly long nostalgically for the days that i used to have without feelings. well, i have avoided this for as long as possible, the front walk has the skiff of 20% chance of snow, swept off, i have done my time card and i am quite finished with everything that i need to do before jumping into a shower and heading out to Boulder. there now is really nothing for me to do, except be here, write this and move on.
why am i putting this off? well truthfully feelings are not something i cherish this morning. they remind me of how human, fragile and vulnerable i can be. writing about feelings, especially feelings like depression, triggers a chain reaction of avoidance and distraction, so i do not have to feel all the feelings that writing about feelings brings up. well, as the reading and my little seed, state unequivocally, rather than struggle, i might as well accept and feel them, for in that manner they will pass. it is interesting that of all the feelings that i have, that the reading focuses on depression. not being a victim of chronic and acute depression, it is easy for me to minimize the effects that Seasonally Affected Depression has on me. well it is more like Seasonally Affected Bi-Polar, but i will not cheapen a serious mental health concern with glib and innocuous comparisons.
remember who i am, and looking at the weather over the past 5 days, it is no wonder i find myself struggling to deny that i am even the slightest bit down, lethargic and tired, all the classic symptoms of depression as manifest in me. the days are short, frigid and grey, and i responding accordingly, doing whatever i can to avoid the reality of the situation. owning that i am depressed, however mildly, seems to have lightened my mood, in the slightest bit. for me, the only way through times like these, is to do what i do,m was if i am not feeling anything of the sort. that does not mean denying my feelings, although that certainly is part of how i do things most of the time, rather i acknowledge i am feeling down and still do what i need to do, get up, do my morning stuff, drive to Boulder to work and then spending the evening with my significant other and whatever planes wqe have made together. i know that i could dwell here, but man i hate this particular address, so i will just move on, blue or grey, my mood is my mood. my feelings are my feelings, and like all feelings they too shall pass, and who knows, maybe there will be some other feelings on the other side of the spectrum for me, as the day passes. at least i am clean and can feel them, if they happen to arrive.

∞ DT ∞