Blog entry for:

that ALL feelings even those like depression will unquestionably pass in time.
there are certainly days, when i FEEL as if i am nothing more than a bucket of intense and unpleasant feelings. other days, my feelings are so subtle, that i almost cannot detect what it is i am feeling. my point is this: I HAVE NEVER DIED OF A FEELING! i would wager to that no human being has died of a feeling as well, it was what they DID with those feelings that led to terminal consequences. now before i get rolling too far down this path, i am not talking about what the mental health professionals call “clinical depression” or “bi-polar,” as i am NOT a doctor. i do have my opinions about those, and feel that they are over-diagnosed, especially in my peers, BUT today i am talking about feelings, transitory and part of being human.
so with all the caveats out of the way, one of the gifts i have received, by being an active participant in my recovery, is a full range of human emotions. in active addiction, one of the most desirable side-effects of getting high, at least for me, was a numbing of those feelings. it certainly was a deal with the devil, as i traded the ability to feel joy and contentment for the ability NOT to feel depression and disappointment. and so it went for 25 years, just a constant feeling of nothingness, and when that balance was upset by life on life's terms. a quick trip to the medicine cabinet took care of that, sometimes almost instantly, other times not so much. in the long run, it always worked, right to the end.
suppressing feelings through chemistry had its downfall, as i discovered once i got clean. all of sudden, i was overwhelmed by my feelings, ALL OF THEM. they were intense, and one followed another at such a rapid fire pace, that i felt that i would certainly die. all of those feelings that had been medicated away washed over me like a tidal wave, and i held on for dear life, clinging to a stump, that would become the fellowship i am currently a member of. time and again, they would batter and bully me, and time and again, i did not use, because i was told that “this too shall pass,” and they did.
the next job i had, as i soon learned, was to detach my value judgements from those feelings. that was no easy accomplishment, and is still an on-going process. i can say this though, it has been well worth the effort. as i grow up in the rooms, and grow in my recovery, i can feel a bit of gratitude that:

• one) i can identify my feelings,
• two) i can accept that all they are is another fVcking
• three) perhaps there might be something i can do soften that feeling and
• finally) i need not act out on those feelings, i can just let them be.

it really is as simple as all of that! and when that does not work? well remember that stump i clung to, when i was in the tsunami storm of emotions, way back when. well that stump turned out to be a strong and powerful force that is the fellowship for me. that force is comprised of my peers, who not only understand what i am going through but have been there done that and got the “T-shirt.” they can and do give me whatever it is i need to survive what i think is certainly a terminal indication that i am doing something wrong. they give me, their experience, strength and hope, and i get to have another day clean, just by sharing the sh!t show of what it is i am feeling. trust me, sharing that stuff is almost as hard for me, as feeling it by myself, BUT not quite. in the level of pain, a bit of embarrassment is much better than the smell of gun oil. yes, it is a good day to be clean, and as long as i remember i have an out, i need not allow my feelings to take me to places that i will regret, just for today.