Blog entry for:

depression will unquestionably pass in time. first off, a quick caveat, i am not a medical professional and no longer play one in my life. i know that many of my peers, suffer from a chemical imbalance that can cause chronic depression and need treatment and possibly medication to alleviate their symptoms and keep their lives in balance. i have seen what untreated mental illness looks like and as a result, i have more than a bit of empathy for my peers, who struggles and can only find better living through chemistry. as a person who was diagnosed with panic disorder in early recovery and was over-medicated as a result, i have also seen the other side of that coin. today, because i live a program of recovery, i have come to believe that i have feelings, because i NEED to, and running away from my social anxiety, will never help me to be become less socially retarded. for me, feelings just are. it is true, they are often inconvenient and sometimes inappropriate, but they are part of being a human being in recovery and need to be accepted and left alone to run their course.
now that the sun is climbing in the sky, i can feel my darkness lifting. i probably suffer from Seasonally Affected Depression, but i have never gone through the motions to get properly diagnosed. since i no longer “treat” myself with the pharmacopoeia of substances i used, once upon a time, i just hang on, until the Winter Solstice passes, knowing full well that the sun will rise a bit higher tomorrow and the day will be a bit longer. if i had lived in the ancient times, i would have been certainly one of those who celebrated with the party as the sun started it journey toward the north. instead i live in modern times and just have to be okay with the FAITH that this too shall pass.
yesterday, after my home town, finally had temperature above freezing for the first time in six or so days, i felt a lightness of spirit and GOT to be a part of another addict's FIFTH STEP. as i was listening to what he was saying and paying attention to what was being left unsaid, i realized that, in that very moment i was getting to feel empathy for what he has been unable to release for more than a minute. his feelings in that slice of time, became mine for the briefest of instants. i could feel the pain he had swallowed and wanted to take it away. that moment passed and we finished the process of starting to let go of what he has so tightly hung on to, for all these days.
which brings me back to the topic at hand, feelings, even depression, are not trivial and in my opinion need to be allowed to run their course\\. as someone who swallowed his “negative” feelings for most of his life, i am still not good of letting go of the judgement value i place on feelings. i still want to distract myself from those that i have been cultured into or taught to believe are “bad feelings” and sadness and depression, certainly top that list. as i grow in my recovery, that value system loses its importance but still echoes in the recesses of my mind. so right here and right now, i think i will wrap this up and head on to my next task of the day.

∞ DT ∞