Blog entry for:

yes i changed it from an assertion of reality to a better representation of how this works in my life. i CAN and often do still do battle with this particular group of feelings, to say anything else would be a lie. although, on the surface, it may seem to give HOPE, in my opinion, this whole bright and shiny so i foster HOPE gig, is a crock. the sooner someone in recovery, new or old, faces the fact that being clean, brings on the WHOLE RANGE OF HUMAN EMOTIONS, the sooner one can start to dealing with how to live through them.
i am not going to go on about others, as i feel all sorts of things today. this list of the five emotions, the dark side as it were, is an interesting study in and of itself. i know that they were present when i was in active addiction, although i medicated and behaved them into suppression. as a result i never appeared to be fearful or depressed as it were. in early recovery, shopping helped, but i am still paying the price for suppressing feelings through retail therapy. so if medicating and behaving away these feelings are not options i wish to exercise today, where do i go to find relief? that is always the crux of the situation for me, and as i have heard over and over again in the rooms for may just like me. the answer, of course, is to acknowledge those feelings and go on with my life. they are only debilitating if i allow them to be. before i get accused of being insensitive to REAL mental health concerns, i must say that i am not a psychiatrist, counselor or therapist, so what is true for me, namely these are just feelings, may not be true for others. i have an opinion about all of that, BUT it is one that i need not express today, after all this is ABOUT ME, DAMMIT!
where was i? oh yes, allowing this quintet of feelings to be a part of my life. sure they suck. sure, i would rather feel anything but any of these five. the truth is i have never dies from a FEELING, and as trite as that sounds, it is what gets me through many dark and gloomy days. yes i have those, just like any other human being. the difference is instead of allowing myself to be consumed by the darkness, i do my level best to live my life. just for right now. it is true, i may break down and cry at any second, as i am dealing with a grieving process. so what. i may be afraid to get out of my house and face the world, does that mean i cower in FEAR, behind locked doors, waiting for the FEAR to pass. BTW, for me this is my REAL mental condition, properly diagnosed way back when i had 45 days clean. no i go out, do my best to be social, share my apprehensions with others and generally do the best i can to do what i need to do.
what i liked about the message in the reading was that it focused on behaving my way to feeling better. not suppressing my feelings through behavior, just behaving and living and allowing those feelings to pass as they will. i also like the fact that IT DOES NOT suggest we act as-if nothing is wrong. that too, is part of how i learned to behave in active addiction. if i need to be a Gloomy Gus, so be it. today as ambivalent as i am about how i feel, which generally means i have a whole mosh of feelings i do not have the time to separate and inventory, i can feel wahtever the heck they are, and do what i need to do, which this morning is a workout, some shopping, some work in a smoke-filled room, tiem with a sponsee and a meeting. that is the plan, i will see what the real outcome ends up being.

∞ DT ∞