Blog entry for:

me to tap the power i need to stay clean, just for today. it is quite a gift to live day after day in a place where using something is not on the top of my mind, consuming my every thought. it has not always been that way for me, and i know that what i have, FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION, is a gift of the program i CHOOSE to live. part of that gig, at least for me, is to sit quietly every single morning, for at least twenty minutes and “listen” for guidance. it is not as if GOD speaks to me, but i certainly do get centered before trekking off into my day. this morning was no different and what i “heard” was that if i allow myself to feel my way to the next right thing, everything would be okay. right here and right now it is trying to figure out why the movie tickets i ordered yesterday, have not shown up anywhere. i may not get to work out until after the sun comes up, as the next right thing is to take care of what i thought i did yesterday.
as i walk through each and every day, these days, i am also grateful that i do not live life in the fog of self-obsession and denial. i have plenty of examples of that sort of living in my life and i CHOOSE to do my best top not be one of those. i know that i have felt comfortable in my own skin, since i spoke with my sponsor last week and his suggestion of strengthening our connection through weekly contact, feels like the next right thing to do as well. i know that these days, focusing on my career has placed a whole lot of the rest of my life on hold. i trained last night, instead of heading out to a meeting and probably will do the same tonight. that is just what it is, as i have yet to hit the jackpot in any game of chance.
the reading, however, spoke of depression and how if i am open to what the program offers, i do not need to use depression as an excuse to use again. i really am not one of those who spins down in that direction. my reaction to feeling depressed is to get angry, as i was taught that depression is feeling i choose and that lesson, as hard-won as it was, still carries a shit-ton of weight. it has been a steep learning curve for me, to figure out how to take the power of judging which feelings i “should” or “should not” feel and what to do with the latter. what i heard this morning, was that it was okay to feel what i am feeling and to allow myself the FREEDOM not to hide or suppress those feelings. a whole lot happens in a day, including a bunch of “untimely” feelings. i am okay with all of that, as long as i remember that feelings, including depression can pass, all i have to do, is feel them and allow them to take their natural course.

∞ DT ∞