โ as an addict, i experience depression from time to time. when i feel depressed, โ
Posted: Fri, Dec 28, 2007 07:34:17 AM
i may be tempted to isolate myself. i cannot afford to let depression lead me back to using. isolation and depression, an interesting topic for this time of year. not that i am a depressive type, most of the time, but as the days get shorter, the sky gets gloomier, i spin down into a depressive state. i have written about this part of my annual cycle, and when i was using, the holidays provided the opportunity for even greater self-medication, right when the cycle hits its bottom. now that the sun is starting its annual climb to the top of the sky, i already feel a lifting of my depression, although the end is in sight, i still have trouble concentrating and being a part of life. i know that this too shall pass, and more than ever i want it to pass today, right now! so since i cannot use, i often act-out. acting-out provides a bit of relief, that is, until i do my daily inventory and look at what i have to own up to. YARGHHH! :((
so where is the HOPE for this addict when the times get dark for me? well for one, i know i am not unique in being affected by the change of seasons. although there is not a whole lot of sharing in open meetings about this particular topic, i do know of others who suffer similarly. i am so glad that the reading does not tell me to smile and bear this burden alone. i always hated when someone told me to smile, nothing can be that bad! no the reading suggests that i go about my daily routine to the best of my ability, call another addict and allow myself to feel what i am feeling and move on. that is the kind of suggestion i can tolerate and live with, after all i am not denying what is going on inside, nor am i stuffing those feelings. best of all, i do not have to medicate those feelings away. you know, when i think about it, it was a mystery to me in active addiction why my need to use always grew in the dark seasons. in recovery, i recognize the why of it, and have the tools to reduce the pain without resorting to the use of substances.
how do i feel today? well not bad. i am building a feeling of gratitude as i come to the conclusion of this little ditty. grateful for not having to use, and for having the ability to at least get a clue or two about what is going on. and what is going on is that i have a desire to stay clean, no matter what! and there all you hope fans is the hope from this gloomy gus today.
so where is the HOPE for this addict when the times get dark for me? well for one, i know i am not unique in being affected by the change of seasons. although there is not a whole lot of sharing in open meetings about this particular topic, i do know of others who suffer similarly. i am so glad that the reading does not tell me to smile and bear this burden alone. i always hated when someone told me to smile, nothing can be that bad! no the reading suggests that i go about my daily routine to the best of my ability, call another addict and allow myself to feel what i am feeling and move on. that is the kind of suggestion i can tolerate and live with, after all i am not denying what is going on inside, nor am i stuffing those feelings. best of all, i do not have to medicate those feelings away. you know, when i think about it, it was a mystery to me in active addiction why my need to use always grew in the dark seasons. in recovery, i recognize the why of it, and have the tools to reduce the pain without resorting to the use of substances.
how do i feel today? well not bad. i am building a feeling of gratitude as i come to the conclusion of this little ditty. grateful for not having to use, and for having the ability to at least get a clue or two about what is going on. and what is going on is that i have a desire to stay clean, no matter what! and there all you hope fans is the hope from this gloomy gus today.
∞ DT ∞