Blog entry for:

i may be tempted to isolate myself. i cannot afford to let depression lead me back to using. isolation and depression, an interesting topic for this time of year. not that i am a depressive type, most of the time, but as the days get shorter, the sky gets gloomier, i spin down into a depressive state. i have written about this part of my annual cycle, and when i was using, the holidays provided the opportunity for even greater self-medication, right when the cycle hits its bottom. now that the sun is starting its annual climb to the top of the sky, i already feel a lifting of my depression, although the end is in sight, i still have trouble concentrating and being a part of life. i know that this too shall pass, and more than ever i want it to pass today, right now! so since i cannot use, i often act-out. acting-out provides a bit of relief, that is, until i do my daily inventory and look at what i have to own up to. YARGHHH! :((
so where is the HOPE for this addict when the times get dark for me? well for one, i know i am not unique in being affected by the change of seasons. although there is not a whole lot of sharing in open meetings about this particular topic, i do know of others who suffer similarly. i am so glad that the reading does not tell me to smile and bear this burden alone. i always hated when someone told me to smile, nothing can be that bad! no the reading suggests that i go about my daily routine to the best of my ability, call another addict and allow myself to feel what i am feeling and move on. that is the kind of suggestion i can tolerate and live with, after all i am not denying what is going on inside, nor am i stuffing those feelings. best of all, i do not have to medicate those feelings away. you know, when i think about it, it was a mystery to me in active addiction why my need to use always grew in the dark seasons. in recovery, i recognize the why of it, and have the tools to reduce the pain without resorting to the use of substances.
how do i feel today? well not bad. i am building a feeling of gratitude as i come to the conclusion of this little ditty. grateful for not having to use, and for having the ability to at least get a clue or two about what is going on. and what is going on is that i have a desire to stay clean, no matter what! and there all you hope fans is the hope from this gloomy gus today.

∞ DT ∞