Blog entry for:

my problem is recognizing that i am depressed. i have never been a gloomy gus, serious as a heart attack yes, cynical yes, self-absorbed yes, but feeling blue was one of the many feelings that i was educated and cultured out of having. when i felt sad or depressed i was told to put a smile on my face and act as if i was happy. so over the course of time, eventually depression became one of those feelings that needed to be renamed and swallowed by me. as an adult after years of practicing the denial of feeling depressed, i would have what i called my "black" days, and it was really in the world’s best interest that they left me alone during those periods of time. rage and depression is not a very healthy combination for this addict, and were less than healthy for those who chose to stumble across my path on those particular days.
understanding this today, is one of the gifts of the program that allows me a manner of living without having to use from day to day. one of the most ironic parts of this whole concept is that i still avoid using the word depression when speaking about my feelings. i can easily say that i suffer from seasonally affected depression, as that is a mental health syndrome that is well-documented, and it means that it comes from outside of me. no sun, i get depressed. when i speak about my feelings today, i say i am blue, or having a grey day, or i am just off my normal track. nowhere is there any acknowledgment that i am feeling depressed, in fact i take great pains to avoid even using that word when i label my feelings.
so what does what i call my feelings of depression have to do with dealing with my feelings of depression? a great deal! mislabeling and minimizing my feelings are part of the denial process. when i am in denial about anything, i still am exercising more than a bit of self-will and nurturing the illusion that i have some power over the way i feel. i can also channel my feelings of depression into anger and rage, as i learned to do as part of surviving my active addiction. so the real question is how do i deal with me feelings of depression! well for one, i try to be honest about my feelings especially when i do not know what i am feeling. i have known grief and the sadness that it brings and depression feels like that to me. not as intense, nor is there any outside event contributing to that feeling, so the chances are that i am feeling depressed. a second little check is to look at my behaviors. since getting clean i find i treat feelings like depression with food and shopping, both of these behaviors allow me to feel something different in the here and now, and prevent me from being present with my feelings. a wonderful trade off -- a few pounds heavier and/or a few bucks lighter and no "icky" feelings of depression.
so what am i going to do today? well for one, name my feelings exactly what they are. right now i am feeling happy and focused. secondly allow my feelings to run their course, naturally, without me altering myself to force them to change. and finally do what is in front of me as the day progresses, and what the next right thing to do right now is end this little missive and hop in the shower, after all there is a whole wide world waiting out there for me to be a part of today!

∞ DT ∞