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instead, i try to go about the routine of my life. alright a disclaimer right off the bat, i am not prone to bouts of severe depression, i have never been, nor have i become a depressive type. that being said, i do know that i am far too serious most of the time. i do know that i have minor bouts of depression from time to time. in my using days i called them my ‘black’ days and when they strike in recovery they are just ‘grey’ days now.
this reading is therefore one of the ones i have a tendency to minimize as not applicable to me, especially since it comes on this side of the solstice, and i can already feel the sun getting higher in the sky. so why am i going on and on about how this does not apply to me? well this morning, i heard something different, and i finally get that even though what little depression i do get quickly passes, it is important that i can provide support for those who rely on me that are subject to depression: clinical, situational or seasonally affected. so with that i will move on.
what i also heard was that being present for what i happen to be feeling, and going about my life regardless of how i am feeling is a course of action that can keep me clean. what i did not hear was to fake being all ‘yippy-skippy’ when i am not feeling that way. there is no ‘fake it until you make it’ undercurrent in this reading. in my opinion, that whole ‘fake it until you make it’ paradigm is one of the most dangerous ideas we ever came up with. it is disingenuous and i have seen it take out more than one addict. all it ever did for me is speed my journey through the steps, and it actually left vast swaths of reservations intact until later trips through the steps.
however this morning i am not in a mood to stay up on this soapbox, that will have to come on another day, when that topic is addressed specifically. i am feeling good today, my seasonally affected depression has become less and less debilitating over the course of my recovery, and it is because of readings like this. what i get is to acknowledge my feelings, be present for them, and go about the normal routine of my day to day life. these feelings will pass, in time, if i allow them to.
so it is down to the basement to work out and let my head go into the world of nothingness. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞