Blog entry for:

i will talk openly about my feelings with another person who understands. as a person who was cultured into always putting on my best face and not allowing the **so-called** bad feelings to rule me at all, coming to grips with my feelings has been quite the journey. when the reading speaks of depression or any other feeling that i had come to believe were in that BAD cluster, my skin still crawls, just a little bit. honestly, feelings suck. after a quarter of a century numbing them with drugs and behaviors and even longer just swallowing them, coming to recovery had quite a shock to my system, to say the least.
all the caveats out of the way, i can certainly say, i was relieved to get through my first experience with depression clean, and intact. it is true, that i did medicate with more than a bit of retail therapy, my CD collection expanded that first season of darkness, and i first discovered how much my mood was influenced by the length of daylight. moving beyond the experience, i came to see that there are really no good or bad feelings. years later i finally saw the light that feelings just are, and no matter how terrible i react to having a feeling, i DO NOT have to use. one of the gifts that recovery has given me, is men who suffer from chronic depression and actually have to take prescription medications to live somewhat more comfortably. why is that a gift? well, for one, it brings up feelings of gratitude, as i am not in that boat, by some twist of fate. it also has taught me that there is certainly a time and place in the lives of recovering addicts for medical treatment, from that realization springs tolerance and acceptance, that although the program is certainly what i NEED, that someday, i too may need to allow the medical community to medicate me.
being present for my feelings is a new state for me. the rewards of doing so, allow me to grow and stay focused on what is really important, the process of becoming the man i always have wanted to be. so whether i am feeling depressed or ecstatic, it really is not that relevant in the long run, neither will KILL me and that makes everything alright even though it may suck in the here and now.
on that note, i will sign-off and go see what is happening in the rest of the world this morning. life is good and even though i have a long day ahead, it will be just as it is supposed to be, IF i stay present and allow events to unfold as they will,

∞ DT ∞