Blog entry for:

well enough to feel safe and confident about asking that POWER to care for my will and my life. if only, i could give that same level of trust and FAITH to others, right now, so they could have what i have. yes, i know, more than a bit silly, certainly not without precedent in my recovery process, and without one of the most dangerous notions that floats around the rooms of recovery. the reading even state that a “borrowed” HIGHER POWER will not last, and yet i hear other members spout off the old bromide: “Need a HIGHER POWER? Borrow mine!”
for me, that was the perfect foil. if things did not work out, i could blame my bastard concept of a HIGHER POWER, see that it may work for you, but did not work for me, hence the program must not work for mew, after all your HIGHER POWER is ALL…
my struggle to come to grips with a POWER that fuels my recovery, has been long, tedious, and with so many unexpected twists and turns, that when i find a place in that journey, where i am comfortable, i quit right there. unfortunately, i also know, that for this addict, this journey to living with a concept of a POWER that fuels my recovery, is far from over. for now, from this oasis, i can confidently state, that no matter who IT appears to me today, that POWER gives me all i need to sustain my recovery. it is, however, up to me, to see those gifts, receive those gifts and apply those gifts in my life. expressing gratitude for the reprieve i have been given today and looking to improve my contact with that POWER, is how i repay the debt i owe, after all, people like me, die in active addiction, and rarely get the chance ti live a whole new life. i am alive today and i will not let the fact that i am an addict define how i live my life. what does that mean? i accept i am an addict, but i am so much more, and if i allow the condition of addiction to define me, i am sicker than i was when i came in. yes, i have to do some things, to keep the affliction of addiction at bay. i also have to do things to feed myself, keep a roof over my head and sustain my intellectual journey as well as my spiritual journey. all that and more is who i am and what i do today and the POWER that fuels my recovery is what drive me forward. it is because of my recovery, that i have FAITH in something beyond my ken and that POWER drives me recovery forward. which is the cause and which is the effect? well that isd a discussion for a different time and place. for me, my recovery led me to see the POWER that fuels my recovery, BUT the circumstances under which i arrive=d were certainly more than a bit contrived, so just for today, that is what it is: a chicken and egg discussion and one that i choose not to enter into today.
so off to Boulder i go, secure in the knowledge that i can be more than i was yesterday, if i surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞