Blog entry for:

sitting here this morning, on the very first greeting card holiday, there were a few themes that came up, as i finally quieted the white noise that is inside my head. that “noise,” as i fondly call it, is the various threads of my thoughts rolling around my mind.stopping to listen and pick out the the loudest and turn the volume down, i what meditation does for me, and even in those quietest moments, i still have some background going on, but above that background i GET the feeling of what direction i need to be taking today.
this morning, i could write yet another tirade about how borrowing the HIGHER POWER of someone else, stymied my growth, way back when, but that is a tired old subject and one that need not repeated today.
another topic du jour with me, is how my journey has taken me off the beaten track and made me feel separate from my peers. once again old news and nothing to see here either.
so no lamentations of days past today. what oi felt as i got up from my very brief sojourn into the quiet this morning was a certainty, that i am on the right path, and that if i just allow myself to be, i can find what it is that i have been missing forever. even when i was religious, i realize today, that i was just going through the motions, to satisfy my parents and the dominant culture of my youth. after all, that is what one did, growing up in my times, one went to church and became an semi-active participant in that community, whether or not you believed.
in much of my recovery, that pattern has continued, i was just going through the motions, with this HIGHER POWER concept and the spirituality i often expressed. the difference being, that i had one iota that SOMETHING brought me top recovery, SOMETHING gives me the power to stay clean and SOMETHING provides the guidance i lack. naming and defining that SOMETHING, has been what i have been all about, since the very beginning. using what i knew, instead of allowing myself to use what i felt, has been the pitfall that continues to plague me today. it is the trap i am ever so slowly emerging from, and as i look around me, nothing looks the same and for an addict like me that is one of the most frightening events i can imagine, change without any context.
so i rail at the unfairness of my powerlessness. i criticize those who are too fearful to show what is really going on and i seek direction in the seemingly unrelated events of my daily life, believing that somehow, i will be able to spot a pattern that i can grasp and hold on to, the answer to those queries though, all feels the same, stop trying so hard, use my heart, and i will know what i need to know, see what i need to see and be able to respond to whatever it is that requires my response today.
so as i prepare to wrap this up, i know what it is i need to accomplish today. i also have a clue or two about what i do NOT need to today. it is a good day to be clean and most importantly have the FAITH to carry on, even though i may not get what i am carrying on for today is. i am certain though, that the POWER that fuels my recovery, will provide for me, whatever i NEED to stay clean today, and that is all i have to be certain of today.

∞ DT ∞