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i must come to my own understanding of a HIGHER POWER, for it is that Power which will carry me through my recovery.
so here i sit pondering the nature of my HIGHER POWER on a morning when i woke up at 2:30 AM and refused to accept that i was done sleeping for the night. what i guess i am trying to say, is that it is hard for me to contemplate the nature of the divine when i am so caught-up in the mu8ndane world around me, and i am certainly caught-up in that. here i sit a little over a day from what is going to be a life-changing event for me, and i am in total panic. BUT can anybody, especially the woman who is entering the same commitment, see that i am freaked-out. of course not, you know, it is all about HOW i look, not at all about HOW i feel. i need to be the cool, calm, and collected one and let the rest the world sweat the details.
so how does all of this tie into the concept of the FORCE that will sustain me through my recovery, the GOD of my understanding? well for one thing, i still have echoes of the ancient old concept rolling around my amazing magnifying mind, shaking HIS enormous finger at me, and telling me the day has come when HE will extract HIS judgment from me and to be prepared. honestly, no matter how much i grow spiritually, the ghost of that concept still wails and moans from time to time. so for me today, it is time to exorcize that ghost and allow my current concept of the loving and caring FORCE THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS, to replace that ghost in the murky corridors of my mind. yeah, i know a very mixed metaphor, but so shoot me.
was my HIGHER POWER trying to tell me something since two-thirty this morning? probably not, i just have a bunch of stuff up and being the human i am, and being a recovering addict, i had a sleepless night and there is nothing more to that. perhaps i am not supposed to buy that house tomorrow, and this is just an exercize in self-will carried to the extreme. i have FAITH that what will be, will be; and what is, just is. i will move forward with the footwork i need to do to accomplish my dream and let go of what the final results will look like, you know once again work as a partner with my HIGHER POWER and allow the world to spin as it will. and truthfully i am so excited that i will probably not sleep tonight either, after all i feel like a child on Christmas Eve, waiting to see what Santa will bring. so off to the races and time to distract myself with the responsibilities of the day, and do my best to let go of the next twenty-four hours, because in actuality i am and have been truly powerless over those results for quite some time.

∞ DT ∞