Blog entry for:

of GOD, was among one of the many mistakes i made in early recovery. when i finally accepted that i had the desire to stay clean and stopped posing as a member of two fellowships, running up against the right of my total FREEDOM in this regard, was one of the scariest moments in my life. all of a sudden, i i realized that the HIGHER POWER i had been using for nearly two years had never served me well and probably never would. when i started the journey to where i am today, i realized that theism might not be the answer, but i hardly expected to reject it completely.
why that moment in time was so scary for me, was because for the first time in my recovery, i was being asked to critically look at my beliefs and my spiritual practices and see whether or not the really “fit.”. the fact of the matter for this addict, is no they did not, and i got to unleash my creative side and of course the shame-based self-abusive side of me that screamed at me about being so toolish and allowing myself to be “brain-washed” by the Christian Mafia. yes i was more than a bit reactive, back in those days of my early membership in this fellowship and self-abasement was just part of how i lived, best of all, it gave me more than enough ammunition against that other fellowship, that i could safely walk away and not feel in the least bit guilty, after all those fVckers stole my independence and stuffed my spirituality into their tightly controlled little boxes.
over time, i have come to see, that what they were giving me was a choice, predigested and one that worked from them, and i CHOSE the easier softer way and borrowed the HIGHER POWER of my first sponsor's understanding, “they” did not force me into anything. that concept kept me clean for those many days between my clean date and when i actually accepted i was an addict, despite my best efforts to find a loophole to dive through and return to the “life.” for that fact alone i am grateful for that “borrowed GOD.” when i share my experience, strength and hope with my peers, however, i NEVER suggest they borrow my concept of a HIGHER POWER in lieu of finding their own. i encourage them, just as my second sponsor encouraged me, to actively seek a HIGHER POWER that works for them, PERIOD. instead of posing as a Christian these days, i find balance in finding a path that is much further EAST and have no trouble sharing about what i have found, in the language that my peers can understand. i often wonder “what if,” i had truly accepted the spiritual path of my first two sponsors, where i would be today. or if i had given up my terminal uniqueness before buying drugs for a using buddy, in a bar, at closing time, 2000 miles away from my support system. i certainly would be telling a different story to myself and you all today, if that had been my path.
the time has come however, to drop this off on the interwebs and head on down to work. i am grateful for my journey to today and as the bitterness fades over who i once was and what i once accepted as “truth,” i can see i am who i am today because of all of that, not despite it.

∞ DT ∞