Blog entry for:

me squarely meet the challenges that i face today. for someone who is not a big **GOD** guy, i certainly have been on this topic a bunch lately. i know that i go through cycles and phases in my writings, and most of the time, i try and stay away from grand themes in my life, at least consciously. the evidence is, however, that i do have themes, and i do write on the day after day, until i finally move on to something else.
well, something else has not arrived, so i guess i will continue down the path i started and see where it leads. i have a couple of sponsees, who have found a spiritual path that includes the practice of religion. although, such paths are anathematic to me, allowing them the freedom to find their path is what i NEED to do. i could go into all sorts of reasons about why i feel that way, but in the end run, what it boils down to, is a prejudiced based on what i see as a stifling of freedom and adding a layer to an already complex and tricky proposition, building a connection with a POWER that can and will fuel my recovery and keep me clean.
that being said, i have come to believe that such a POWER odes provide me all i need to face the challenges that arise in my life. most of the time, that POWER just shows me, that i what i need most in that situation, is something i already have within and all i had to do is let go and allow myself the FREEDOM to use it. when i do not already possess the solution, that POWER, puts someone in my life that says or does something that points to the solution, it is my job to be present for that inspiration. the odd part of the second alternative is that the solution i seek, does not come from a source that i consider reliable or trustworthy, and hence i try and discount it. so i end up trying and doing everything else, or running away like a coward, because i cannot see that what i need was put in front of me. yes, self-will takes over and the fight or flight response gets activated. so even though i may ask for the power to face a challenge, i do not use it. all of this is being driven home by yest another sponsee, who is doing his damnedest to minimize the consequences of his bad behaviors. he is certain that he can, of his own will, get his a$$ out of the sling he put it in, and that this time, if he gets out, it will be different. i am of two minds here. i want to shelter and prepare him for the possibility that all is efforts are in vain and he returns to a place he does not go. i also want to support him in his effort, because he has tied the outcome to his feelings of self-worth. for me to argue against, tells him i do not believe that he is worth standing up for himself, even though i believe it way too little, way too late. for now, i will do the toughest thing i can do, that is do nothing and allow the events to play out as they will.
doing nothing is not running away, as it is not my challenge. my challenge is wanting to take over his effort and champion him, even though i do not believe that such an effort is worth either my time or my energy. yes, i am still sick, and this relationship is one of my sickest. what am i going to do? well i will support his recovery effort, i will not try and influence any of those he has asked to help him, and i will be there to support him regardless of the outcome.
my challenge today? to do all the work i did not get done over the weekend, have a bit of time to relax with my friends and peers and see where this day goes, after all, what else is there to do?

∞ DT ∞