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experience in recovery, the message will surely be evident to all. i do not how many times i have heard about how hypocritical me and my peers are, from those on the margins. their observations focus on what we are NOT doing and somehow, the recovery process is supposed to instantly make each and every one of us saints, held to a much higher standard than the rest of humanity. their whiny refrain usually goes something along the lines of: “they all said they were there for me, but not one of them supported me once my ass was in a sling and i was once again in jail.”
each and every time i hear this, i counter with all sorts of rational and sane arguments, buts to no avail, as i am defending the already condemned. the truth is, no matter how long i stay clean, no matter how diligent i am in my step work, no matter how open i am to the personality changes that are the program of recovery, i am still an addict and i am still human, and i will fail to live up to the impossibly high standard of practicing these principles in all of my affairs. of course, maybe i will be struck by a miracle and become one of those saints that seemed to fill the streets in times past, doing nothing but good, spreading cheer and happiness everywhere i go and always giving everything that i have to anyone that i meet, just because they may need it. until that day happens, well, let me just say, i will do my best to live up to the standard with the expectation that close is the best i am ever going to get.
no what those on the margins are doing, by saying they feel judged, ostracized or not supported., is separating themselves from recovery and giving themselves permission to once again partake of a life of active addiction, after all, those people in the rooms just do not get me. the greater the wall of separation they can build, the easier it is to justify that “i can do just one,” attitude. okay, so this all sounds so judgmental, and it certainly is, coming from someone who has never decided that i could go out. if there was something i could do to get those on the margin to see what they are doing, i would do it. i doubt any of those read this little exercise, so i am more than likely preaching to the choir. i can tell you this, form one of those in the middle of the pack, i am not judging you and try as you might, hiding in the shadows and walking away from those who love and care for you, is not the path that will lead to a better life for you. i tried all of those methods, before i finally drank the Kool-Ade, and all it got me was more misery and discontent. when i get in my head about what others may or may not think about me, i am on my way out again, and this is from a man, to whom how i look to others is one of the most important things in my life.
yes, i am not yet among the mighty that have fallen, but i know that is only because i allow my peers in recovery to see me for the flawed and oh so human person that i am, all the time working to become a better person. so walking my talk? some days i am better at it than other. some days, well not so much. what matters is that i do my best, whatever that happens to be, today. i look to those around for clues to how i am doing and adjust my behaviors based on their reactions and i keep coming back, as i am still a work in progress. oh by the way, when i say my peers in recovery i am not talking about length of clean time, i am talking about those who have the desire not to use, want to do something about that, and are doing their best to allow the program to give them freedom from active addiction, you do the math.

∞ DT ∞