Blog entry for:

even when i am the only one who knows.
for the first time in my life i am ready to walk away from money on the table, gut my losses and run as it were. the only thing stopping me, is FEAR of the unknown. i mean really what will happen if i decide to walk away from this and not look back, will i ever be able to come back to this source ever again, more importantly, will i want to? these days, i have just the tiniest bit of impulse control and instead of jumping at the very first thought, i have decided to do my thing and allow the answer to come to me. as it stands i will be working after work tonight to finish a project that i severely underbid, and more than likely tomorrow and Thursday as well. it is not even worth arguing about my compensation at this time, i am that fed up with the whole affair. h, life on life's terms.
i chose the vulgar fraction of one-half this morning for a very specific reason, to remind myself that IF i want anything, than i NEED to make the commitment to do whatever it takes. recovery, financial success, a warm and loving relationship, or even a life with just a little bit of stability and serenity. my problem seems to be that i cannot make a decision and stick to it, when the going gets a little tough. there are a few decisions i have made that are the exception to this rule, i cannot however carry the success i have had with those over into my everyday life. i could say that is the result of the part of me i call addiction, i am however, past putting the blame there. this morning i am more about seeing how i can change to allow myself to do what it takes. i do not know what is waiting for me at my current gig when everyone shows up this morning. i do know what is waiting in my in-box at home until i look. i do not know whether or not anything will happen and yet, right here and right now, i am ready to say, OK I SURRENDER.
i do know that i will do what i said i would do. i will admit that i am powerless and insane. i will ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to restore me to sanity, and more importantly surrender my will and my life into ITS care. all of that implies that i will do what it takes to move forward with my recovery and be the person that the POWER THAT FUELS MY RECOVERY, has designed me to be.
walk the walk, yes i think so, and that means being present in the hear and now for whatever it is I NEED to hear and experience whatever i NEED to experience. it is after all a great day to be here,

∞ DT ∞