Blog entry for:

this morning i am in quite a mood although nothing of any consequence has occurred. my greatest fear right now is that i will react to the first person who asks me to do something by jumping down their throat. although that statement in of itself has no relationship to the reading today, i just needed to say that. after all, how could i even be thinking about working a program if i lied to myself or anyone else. and this morning i wonder if i am really doing this whole recovery thing correctly. i feel like i spent the weekend going place and doing things that were at the whims of someone else, and had not a second to do what i wanted to. i have felt this way before, and probably will feel this again in the future, but when i get in one of these moods, truthfully a quick little fix almost seems like a good idea, then my responsibilities and the expectations of myself disappear. a very simple solution and one that at this very moment feels very attractive to me.
so how do i bring myself back into the recovery fold? how do i walk the talk if i want to run away and find someplace warm where no one knows who or what i am or supposed to be?
so what will i do? well for one i choose not to use today. i choose to do my best not to hurt anyone today. and i choose to feel my dissatisfaction and annoyance and be who i am. even though i am having problems with living in m y skin right now, i know that this too shall pass, if i let it. am i really considering maxxing out my credit cards in an attempt to run from my feelings and myself? well maybe, but the chance i probably will not. what i choose to do right now is finish this little rant, let those who love me, love me and patiently wait for me to love myself and my life again. after all the only chance i have is to let the process happen just as it is supposed to and be ready for the next change. life really is to short to be an asshole and my only hope of not being an asshole today, is to work the program of the fellowship that gave me this life to the best of my ability today. and for right now that is enough!
∞ DT ∞