Blog entry for:

my conscience, rather than attempting to numb it away, is something that i learned after a minute or two in actual recovery. when i was clean, but not working. i might not have used a little something, something to medicate away the rebirth of my conscience, but now i had excess funds and there was always something to spend it on. the next bright and shiny toy or a pint of Ben & Jerry's, did the trick pretty well for at least twenty minutes, which gave me enough time to forget what my conscience was attempting to get through to me. after crossing the wall into real recovery, it still took time for me to realize that avoidance was not the solution and sooner or later i was going to have to deal with all that i wanted to ignore.
these days, it is my TENTH STEP and my aversion to admitting i was wrong, that keep me checking with my “gut feelings” about what is correct and what is totally out of line. the issue here, is that area between the extremes. i have trouble telling those little white lies that are a social expectation and when i get to that threshold, i have to ask myself if whether the harsh truth or a candy coated non-response, is the best policy. my conscience often time goes to which is more harmful and what were they really asking, after all, if my spouse asks me if the pants she is wearing makes her look fat, i know better than to fall into that trap. sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. part of my “moral compass” these days, is to do as little harm to myself and those around me, on a daily basis, it it works most of the time. that “little white lie” will not harm me, but the brutal truth to someone who is not asking for it, just may hurt them.
as i prepare to post this little ditty and get some more coffee to pound out the hits, a couple of things are on my mind. the first being whether or not i am training with enough gusto to summit the top of Africa. my body is telling me i might be overdoing it a bit and my head is telling me i am not doing enough. somewhere between those extremes, lies the real answer and instead of fretting and worrying about it, i think i will continue on the path i have set for myself and trust that i am doing enough. the other thing is getting myself int he financial position to take care of bidness when i return. i hate making minimum payments, but all my bills will be paid and i will make my mortgage payment as well. things will be a bit tight, but that is a consequence of being a contractor and not an employee. coming into the office every two weeks is also a consequence and between those two alternatives, i think i am better off with the choice i continue to make, just for today.

∞ DT ∞