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way i talk. once again i am several hours away from what i heard this morning and of course what i thought i was going to blog about, may not end up what i actually write. i thought i had time earlier, but this application did not work properly, so i was frustrated and pissed-off. instead of whining, i just moved on to my next task. it also created a situation, where i have to clean up the way i handles errors outside of my control, which is actually a good thing. there are times when i can hardly wait to move my site from its current host, but i am cheap and lazy, so i think i will just keep what i have and grin and bear it.
ah the joys of being part of the life of recovery, and when i am doing my best to fit my life into recovery, well that means that i actually have to let go and allow the world to be what it will be. of course, that means a segue into how terrible i am doing at walking the talk. or as i am more apt to do these days, look at whether or not i can actually do better than i think i am doing. well there actually a few more things i need to do with my site today. well actually not as much as i thought after refreshing me local files, and i have verified it will cover the errors i may or may not see, which you guys will never see again.
where was i? oh yeah, beating my chest and and screaming how bad i am about saying one thing and doing another. the truth is, i am really not as bad as i would like to make myself out to be. yes, this goes to that false humility thing, that if i think i am have humility, i do not. what a fVcking great lie and manner in which to destroy who i am, at least in my own eyes. if i say i am doing okay, and someone thinks i am the biggest hypocrite in the world, because i did not walk my talk, then i get all butt-hurt and decide to never, ever say i act in a spiritual manner, ever again. yes extreme reactions have yet to be removed from the plethora of less than attractive spiritual practices i have active in my life. what do i mean when i say i walk my talk? well it could be a wonderful time for a rationalization, which i am quite good at as well. instead what i can say is that when i have the opportunity to choose, as i am not already locked into a reaction, i can make the conscious decision to live by my principles. in those other cases? well i have a TENTH STEP to fix those instances, which ends up walking my talk after all.
anyhow, if i go on, i will bore you guys and certainly bore myself. so the spiritual thing to do is to say just for today i am grateful when i get the chance to choose and perhaps if i am paying attention i will walk my talk, in the next moment.

∞ DT ∞