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the more experienced members, who seem to have an aura of peace surrounding them, demonstrate the rewards of applying this bit of wisdom in their lives. walking my talk, quite an interesting proposition, and although i know she does not read this Congrats on 13 years clean Jolene S. anyhow what was i saying before i took a break? oh yeah, walking what i talk. for me, recovery is more than just a way of living without using drugs. it has been that way for quite some time for me, and it probably will not change back to those bleak days of early recovery when it was all about the substances and the feelings of NEEDING to use. for some of my peers that is a dangerous statement, and one that they have told me will chase the newcomer from the rooms faster than …
i do not know how many newcomers read this particular piece of cyberspace and it really does not matter. IF this was only about using drugs, i could be long gone, as i have not used any, nor had more than a passing though about getting high in quite some time. IF i was a cancer patient, my remission would now be of sufficient time to say i was ‘cured!’
i am not, however, afflicted with cancer to the best of my knowledge, and although i am not a strong proponent of the disease theory of addiction, i do know that something is different enough about me, that treating the part of me i call addiction like a disease is not a bad way to go.
which brings me back to the reading this morning and what i heard in the very brief time i was able to shut down and listen this morning. in my current phase of step work, i have moved beyond the infinite lists that comprise the seemingly endless inventories that i have done since getting clean. i now do my best to actually allow a FORCE greater than myself to work through me and with me, to carry the message of recovery to those addicts with whom i share my life. living a program based on the knowledge i have attained as a result of working steps is an incredible way to exist, and when i share about HOW i was, those who did not see me way back when can hardly believe it. do i have something more than my peers who still think about using every day? not really, there is nothing inherent in me that makes me any different than they are, except perhaps the desire to be more than i was yesterday. that desire can only be met by my effort at applying these principles in my daily life, whether or not i am being watched. there is not Santa God, at least in my view of life the universe and everything, keeping track of when i see the next right thing and do it. in fact the only who knows that i have done the next right thing most of the time, is me. as promised, no good deed goes unrewarded, so each and every time i do the next right thing, i see myself as a little less damaged by my addiction, and a little more capable of facing life on life’s terms. the unfortunate part is that there is a limit to how well i can get. as my doing the right thing tends towards infinity addiction plays a less prominent role in my life. addiction can approach zero influence BUT will never reach zero. that is not a bad thing, because if it was not for the fact that i was an addict, i would have never found recovery and been given a life beyond my dreams.
so it is off to face the crowds and finish my season shopping spree. perhaps i will even snatch that last great sales item from the clasping hands of another shopper -- or not! i can carry these principles into my life as a retail junkie.

∞ DT ∞