Blog entry for:

closer to becoming the kind of person i truly want to be. one of the new ideas, is that i have to come to accept that as an addict, there will always be a part of me that has the desire to use. not some alien being that wants me to get high. not some foreign invader that possesses me and takes away my will. not some sort of “lower power,” but just plain me, PERIOD! as much as i would love to deny this fact and worked hard in the early days to obfuscate this, the simple, unvarnished truth is that is who i am, and when i accept that, i can become something more. if you need the disease model take on this, a person with diabetes is a diabetic. diabetes is a part of them until they accept that as fact and do something about it, they are living in denial and progressing inexorably towards their untimely demise. for the most part, even if they are living in an unhealthy manner, they are not to blame for their disease, but they are responsible for their life after being diagnosed. there is not alien in their pancreas, that is destroying their islet cells. they are not possessed by a sugar craving devil. they simply have a disease called diabetes and if they choose to treat it, they can live full lives. diabetes does not define them, and they are certainly more than their disease, so why was it so hard for me to accept the same ideas about addiction.
just as being a diabetic does not define someone, why is the notion of being an addict so abhorrent to me? why is it that i take SUCH GREAT STEPS TO SINGLE THAT PART OF ME, OUT FOR SPECIAL TREATMENT, WHEN THE FACT IS, THAT IS JUST PART OF WHO I AM. the truth is, that while diabetes may have been tripped off by bad behavior, it is not looked upon as a moral of emotional weakness. addiction, in the eyes of the other 85% of humanity is seen as a lack of willpower, sheer ignorance and certainly something within my power. they do not understand, that when i am in addiction, i will use, if i do not, the obsession will consume me, until it becomes all that i am. those other 85%, cannot and i do not expect them to, understand the feeling that i as an addict in active addiction face. i do not seek their sympathy or even their understanding. my spiritual and emotional insulin, is found in the rooms of the fellowship that has given me this new way of life. they can see the damage, they see the socially-unacceptable behaviors and they see the destructiveness, but will never get what it is that is going on inside of me. i accept that as fact as well.
with all that as a context, it was these new ideas, that leads to the acceptance of who i am today. the obsession to use, is not upon me today. that obsession was lifted a long time ago through this spiritually healthy program. to return to the diabetes analogy, some forms of diabetes can be treated with diet and exercise alone, once it is under some sort of management, just because they are no longer taking insulin does not mean that they have been cured. the same thing goes for me and others like me. we are not cured simply because we have not used in a long period of time, we are just doing what it takes to keep our addiction in check, remission to use a medical term, nothing more. that is also a new idea: that i am not responsible for being an addict, BUT i am responsible for doing what it takes to treat my addiction. which in the long run, is what this progream odf recovery is all about.
anyhow, the road beckons and it is time to shower, shave and generally prepare myself to face teh co-called real world, as an addict in full-blown recovery. it is an awfully good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞