ฮด i want to change, to grow, to become something more than i am today. to do that, ฮด
Posted: Sat, Dec 23, 2006 08:10:18 AM
i open my mind, try on the new ideas i have found in the fellowship that started me on this path, and learn to live a new way of life.
so change, change and more change, i am getting the feeling that all of these readings over the past few days are trying to tell me something, mainly that i need tools to allow the change to happen. staring with letting go of my obsession with self, learning how to accept myself just the way i am, and finally opening my mind to new ideas. quite a run, in my not so humble opinion. the real question is, if i really and truly want to become more than i ever was and currently am. the part of me that i call my disease, that self-destructive and nihilistic part, insidiously whispers that to become more means that i have to do some work, and even if i do the work, i will never be more than i am. it uses the evidence of those whom i see, that say they have done the work, and yet are still miserable. it insinuates that although they have years and decades of clean time, they appear no better off spiritually than i was. that like them, all i will have to show for my recovery is the same misery i had when i started on this path. it conveniently ignores the countless other examples of those who have done the work and are much better off spiritually and emotionally and it is that skewing of the evidence that keeps me from doing the work, and allowing the process of change to happen.
in fact, that is exactly where i have been the past ten days or so. i have been in a self-destructive, disconnected state. ignoring the majority of my responsibilities, doing only what i need to do to stay clean and playing the poor, poor pitiful me refrain over and over again. the truth is i have been looking for an excuse to stop what i am doing and move in an entirely different direction. well this morning i see that lie for what it is, the road towards relapse and today i do not want to go down that path. so what to do? well for one lift myself out of my chair and get some work done, professionally and spiritually and stop fucking resisting the ongoing process. i may say it as a joke, but truthfully resistance is futile. i will be assimilated if i just let go and see what happens. and that is a good thing for this recovering addict today!
so change, change and more change, i am getting the feeling that all of these readings over the past few days are trying to tell me something, mainly that i need tools to allow the change to happen. staring with letting go of my obsession with self, learning how to accept myself just the way i am, and finally opening my mind to new ideas. quite a run, in my not so humble opinion. the real question is, if i really and truly want to become more than i ever was and currently am. the part of me that i call my disease, that self-destructive and nihilistic part, insidiously whispers that to become more means that i have to do some work, and even if i do the work, i will never be more than i am. it uses the evidence of those whom i see, that say they have done the work, and yet are still miserable. it insinuates that although they have years and decades of clean time, they appear no better off spiritually than i was. that like them, all i will have to show for my recovery is the same misery i had when i started on this path. it conveniently ignores the countless other examples of those who have done the work and are much better off spiritually and emotionally and it is that skewing of the evidence that keeps me from doing the work, and allowing the process of change to happen.
in fact, that is exactly where i have been the past ten days or so. i have been in a self-destructive, disconnected state. ignoring the majority of my responsibilities, doing only what i need to do to stay clean and playing the poor, poor pitiful me refrain over and over again. the truth is i have been looking for an excuse to stop what i am doing and move in an entirely different direction. well this morning i see that lie for what it is, the road towards relapse and today i do not want to go down that path. so what to do? well for one lift myself out of my chair and get some work done, professionally and spiritually and stop fucking resisting the ongoing process. i may say it as a joke, but truthfully resistance is futile. i will be assimilated if i just let go and see what happens. and that is a good thing for this recovering addict today!
∞ DT ∞