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to live this new way of life, i need to keep my mind open to new ideas. quite honestly, it is true, that every idea and notion i needed to learn about living life in recovery, was more than likely presented to me in my first ninety days of recovery. perhaps, it took a bit longer, since i was such a hard sell, but even if it took a year, one could argue that there is nothing about recovery i have yet to learn. at least on an intellectual level. that is the rub, knowing and applying that knowledge are two entirely different concepts.
the reading seems to specifically be speaking about my ideas when i came to recovery, however, in my experience, what i think i know about recovery, after the few minutes i have been clean, can certainly kill me as well. the most dangerous idea of all is that if i learned everything i needed to know about this new way of life in my first year, than i no longer need to be open-minded about ideas on how to apply that knowledge. just as i quite capable of separatiuing myself from the pack way back when, so i am just a capable of doing so in the here and now. in fact, it is almost easier, as i have moved out to the long tail of addicts with long term periods of clean time. i know i have said that in the pas and perhaps a bit of explanation is required this morning. the average clean time for an addict purporting to be a member of the fellowship that has given me this new way of life is 10.87 years, as i move further and further beyond that statistical mark, i begin to wonder if i really need to be here, doing this gig and all it entails, day by day. the hardest notion for me to shake is when can i stop and just enjoy this new life and let go of all the stuff that i have been doing since being introduced to and accepting addiction as a part of me, that will never go away. that fact is what keeps me coming back, addiction is not a temporary condition for me, as i still have manifestations of it in my life, even after some time without the use of drugs. the old idea that i am combating here, and the most pernicious and dangerous one for mew, is that somehow, it really is all about the drugs and not about something inherently different in me. this idea persists and grows as i get further and further away from the last time i used, and is only countered by those who were in a similar situation that made the decision to use, and struggle to crawl back into recovery. so after a distraction or three, what i seem to be telling myself is that perhaps it is time to move on, no not out of the life i have been given, but into the day ahead of me. with a Monday off, i am hardly pressed or motivated to do any side work, much less wrap gifts, do my laundry or even hit a meeting. what i DO KNOW and ACCEPT today, is that i have a responsibility or two, i have a commitment or three, the Broncos are playing and IF i want to keep on getting what i have been given, than i better keep doing what i have been doing. that includes listening for a new twist on how to live this life, no matter where it may come from. after all, clean time DOES NOT equal recovery.

∞ DT ∞