Blog entry for:

i forget that my old ideas were killing me and to live a new way of life, i need to open my mind to new ideas.
new ideas, open-mindedness, becoming more than i ever hoped to be? yes all of that is true, and most of the time i can and do accept that entire package without any hesitation. as the reading points out, when i feel overwhelmed by what i need to do, in order for the process to continue unabated, i want to slide back into my previous manner of thinking. not that i really want to use, no what i want to do is act like i do not care, ignore the feelings for as long as possible, and then find the means to make those feelings go away. in all of my experience, there is only one way to swallow my feelings and remain numb to their effects, and for me that is an unacceptable solution these days. so i toss all kind of new ways to numb my feelings around in my head, and ironic as it is, i am actually open to new ideas for numbing those feelings, as long as it does not involve working steps, going to a meeting, calling my sponsor or one of my peers. conditional open-mindedness will not keep me clean, because eventually the pain will be great enough that using is a viable alternative, and that first use is what will kill me spiritually.
so i have to return to the question, do i really want to be more than i ever was? do i really desire a manner of living that will allow me to reach my full spiritual and mental potential? or do i just want to settle for the comfortable rut of active addiction? right now, i find settling to be quite unpalatable to me, and that is a wonderful gift, for which i am certainly grateful. i also now realize that gift comes from doing those simple suggestions that got me clean and have allowed me to stay clean to this day. so what if the road before me looks steep and uncertain, all i need is a bit of FAITH, that if i keep doing those things, everything will be alright.
so the bottom line, (and GAWD how i hate that particular cliché), is that i want to live, i want to grow, and in order to do so, i just need to keep my head up, focus on the prize of life in recovery and allow my mind to be open to the new ideas that are being grafted on to it on a daily basis. my future depends on working a program of recovery, and that depends on walking the steep and narrow spiritual path that i have been put upon. the HOPE is that if i do that i will live to make that choice again tomorrow, and being able to choose is quite a miracle, at least for this addict. so off to do nothing, perhaps see if i can find our Christmas tree, and enjoy the gifts this day will bring.

∞ DT ∞