Blog entry for:

-- these suggestions may meet my resistance, even my rebellion. HOWEVER program requires effort, each step in the program brings me closer to becoming the kind of person i truly want to be. or does it? there have been times ion my recovery, where i was uncertain of my desire to be metamorphosed into something i was not, earlier on in my recovery, it was FEAR of not knowing what i was becoming, and at different times since then, it is not knowing, but rather not wanting to become. honestly recovery is a tough road to walk along, it does get easier to stay clean, that much i will grant you, but as the change is manifest, living the program becomes more difficult, because of the modicum of knowledge i have acquired since coming to recovery. as i practice the program, what i do not like about myself and my behavior becomes more glaringly apparent, the choices i have in my daily life are clearly spelled out and i have lost the freedom to act out of ignorance.
however, today is not one of those times. yes it is true that i sat down with the sponse last night and moved into my next assignment, it is one with which i am intimately familiar with, have done previously and without the conditions imposed on me the last time i went through it. although i did not start the assignment last night, i will be doing it tonight,. as i am excited to see how this assignment feels, being where i am versus being where i was.
so rebellion against the suggestions of my sponsor is not where i am today, nor am i some sort of rebel without a clue against the suggestions that i have been getting from my peers in recovery, trusted or not. this morning, i am seeing my self and my life in quite a different light, one with which i am not familiar and one that is shining on a path that has been obscured by my refusal to look at and accept the process. no i am not off to Tibet to become some sort of monkish hermit, nor am i off to Idaho to join up with a survivalist organization, i think that i will just be here, be present for what is going on in my life, allow the process to happen and let go of any expected outcomes.
so with that in mind, it is time to beat the snow and head out to the streets for a quick jaunt around the neighborhood -- life is all about taking care of myself after all. until i write again, have an excellent day.

∞ DT ∞