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and learn to live my life in a new way. here it is a day after the big dump, and i am finally back at really wanting to write again, i know i phoned it in yesterday, and although it was a little trifle about absolutely nothing, i made the effort. the real problem was all i heard yesterday was exactly what the reading said, no inner stirrings, no tangents, just a rehash of the printed word. most times i can glean something from that sort of response, but yesterday all i wanted to do was get down to Denver so i could get home, one of those wishing my life away days. this morning? well let us take that journey now…
yes, i was and can still be closed off to any sort of new idea or notion. i am better than i was in active addiction, and certainly much better than i was in early recovery, even though holding on to what i thought i knew about life, the universe and everything, nearly killed me.
even so, i still cling to some notions, if my life depends upon them, like the notion that i can go this route all by my lonesome. i am after all, a rock, <cue Simon & Garfunkel>
what a crazy and absurd idea, i am no m ore a rock than Dexter is a chair or table, what i am is a human being that has finally come to realize that there is far more going on than he will ever get a deep understand of, ever. active addiction robbed me of the wonder of life itself and froze me into a being with a very limited horizon. recovery is thawing, bit by bit, the filters that i created over the quarter century of being out there, and when a new idea comes along, i can actually take the time to evaluate it, before deciding whether or not this needs to become part of my worldview. i actually can open my mind and allow myself the chance to open my horizons. as spooky as that sounds, and it really does scare the sh!t out of me, that is what life is really all about, ever expanding horizons!
the true test comes when a new idea is contrary to what i think the world looks like. the REAL test starts there and form that point forward, the possibilities take two paths. the dilemma as it were, is, do i really want to move into the uncertainty of new vistas, or do i want to stay in my own comfortable and warm pile of…
right here and right now as we approach I-70, i want more and think i will see what new ideas come barreling down the pike. it is a great day to be clean and best of all grow just that much more.

∞ DT ∞