Blog entry for:

of least resistance may not be the one i am currently traipsing upon, but it certainly is an appealing road to perdition.
so time and again lately, i have been speaking with my DESIRE not to be powerless, and the childish means i am using to exert what little power i may have. this is getting tougher and tougher on a daily basis and is no longer the path of least resistance. sure as attractive as it may still seem, the consequences of being on the edge are growing with each passing day. instead of bargaining, planning and distracting myself, if i just got to writing it out, things inside would get a little bit better and it seems to be the message i am getting when i “sit” still. case in point, i am not doing breakfast with my brothers this morning, because i ended up sitting for nearly an hour, when it felt like a few minutes. although i do not begrudge myself the time to sit, i still find myself a bit put-out, when it cancels out my plans for the day. my daily routine is what allows me to choose to stay clean today and have people in my life who deserve a bit of a shout-out:

Seven (7) years, TJ!
Wow, way to go.
I am glad you keep sticking around.

moving along and into a bit of memory lane, a year ago i was just ending my end of the year break, this year i am just starting it. a year ago i vacationed in the tropics, this year a more temperate destination is on my itinerary, home sweet home. i have plenty of “stuff” to do this next week, and i am happy to have the time to do it. what does not seem to be on the plan for this week, is a trip to Colorado Springs to see my sponsor. although that may be a game time decision, at least i texted him and sent holiday greetings.
my plan for today, is to head to my home group, get some grocery shopping done, meet with a few addicts who are not at liberty to attend a meeting and see where it goes from there. those plans are on the verge of changing as well, but for right now, i am going with it and see what the outcome may be. when it comes to my plans, i am not as open-minded as i might want to be. DESIRE and CONTROL, rule that aspect of my life. the notion that i may be powerless over my DESIRE or desire to CONTROL, seems to be a no-brainer, and yet i still feed my head the “fake news” that it may be working, when in fact it is not. i miserable and cut-off from the world and looking for any excuse to hide in my office and play my computer game until i beat the next level. what that means, is right here and right now, i am going to do what i need to do, to find the willingness to listen to the 5TH STEP i have committed to listening to, this weekend and be okay about being out and about for more than thirty five minutes at a time. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to move forward intro the wintry mix that is my world today.

∞ DT ∞