Blog entry for:

my new life is rich and full of promise. silly me, i had a huge security hole on my website, and the worst part about i wrote it! ARGHHH! well the patch is in and tested so my life can go back to normal, sort of.
today, well actually this evening, i may get to finally move out of my past one more time and into the here and now. truthfully, i am more than ready to my NINTH STEP done and behind me, and get rolling on STEP TEN. the process of STEPS FOUR through NINE, is what i have used to clear the decks of my past in the past, yes i know how that sounds, but it is not really circular logic. anyhow, knowing how the process works and has worked, i am happy to pack my bags and leave my past behind as the reading says.
once upon a time, i used to believe when an opportunity like this entered my life, i got to reinvent myself. each time my parents moved us, each time i started a new job or activity, i had the opportunity to let go of who i was, and become a whole new person. the trouble was, i never became anything different, i just became a better and better actor, mimicking the social skills and ease of my compatriots, but always perpetuating the fraud that i was a real person, just like them.
in early recovery, when i was a cross-fellowshipper, nothing much changed. i looked and spoke like an alcoholic in one fellowship and an addict in the other, and i took great pains to keep those two worlds form ever colliding. it was not until i accepted the whole one disease one program of recovery paradigm, that personality change started to happen for me and here i am today, on the verge of yet another, putting my past in proper perspective event.
today i am comfortable using words like defects, shortcoming and acknowledging the harm i did to others and myself. as all of those are what is between me and the man i am becoming. yes, i cannot remove them, but the POWER that fuels my recovery can and will, if i allow it to happen. this evening i will sit down with my sponse and the outcome i desire, is to walk out of there ready to move on to STEP TEN, but that outcome, i will leave in the quite capable care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
it has certainly been an interesting forty-eight hours, he says, quickly changing the subject. three men, who i sponsor and from whom i had not heard from in quite a while, got in contact with me, out of their own accord. the fact that after years in the case of one of these men, they still have the desire for me to guide them through their recovery process, amazes me as much as sponsees with time and some recovery walking away from the program for whatever reason. the “sign” i see as the result of this, is that i am on the right path and that moving forward is the next right thing, regardless of what i think and no matter how comfortable i may think i am, sitting here on the brink of a new day.
so enough about what may or may not happen, what i am going to do next, is take a shower, and head on over to my place of gainful employment, as that seems to be the next right thing to do. it is a great day to be clean and more importantly embarked on a journey to become something more than a reinvented chameleon, once again.

∞ DT ∞