Blog entry for:

as in the present tense, not as in a box, wrapped with colorful paper and given to me ;). which of course reminds me of a verse in Skating Away on the Thin Ice of a New Day by Jethro Tull:

Well, do you ever get the feeling, that the story's too damn real
And in the present tense
Or that everybody's on the stage and it seems like you're the only
Person sitting in the audience.

so on the third day of working from home, i am struck by the notion of what it means to be living in the present tense, instead of watching life being enacted out in front of me. honestly i could have made it out of the neighborhood and into the office, but i decided that i would prefer, just for today, not to tear my car up on the hard crusted remnants of the fifteen or more inches of snow that fell yesterday. the excuses could fly, i could move into self-pity or i can just accept that i made a decision, and that decision was to take the easier softer way. as i consider some of the stuff i was told yesterday by a peer who is struggling to find what they need to do in the present tense, i know what i need to do. first and foremost, continue living in the here and now. in active addiction i was truly a spectator and life watched progress quite nicely from my comfortable seat in the orchestra section. the passions, the trials, the tribulations of living life on life's terms, did not apply to me, and in the substance induced hazy fantasy, i was quite sure that i was not only removed from it, but quite far, far above it. life was for those who could not or would not get high, and relief from the events that splashed me like a watermelon under the Sledge-O-Matic bit in a Gallagher show, would be quickly washed away.
early recovery was not much different. sure i could be present, but i still chose to keep my distance, after all, what those folks had, may have been contagious and getting recovery was not my plan, my plan, as one of my peers has often quipped was to learn how to shoot drugs like a gentleman. life was an inconvenience to be tolerated and this was just a bit part for me to play, until i could return to my comfortable seat in the audience.
once i finally became a member and started to integrate a program of recovery into my life, i still did not want to play a part in life, now i just wanted to cruise through with minimal interaction and stay clean. i had decided to stay clean, but still did my best to sleep through the present tense, and was fairly successful at it. as part of my third set of steps, i was finally tasked with learning to be present for life, instead of just showing up. it is an exercise i present to the men who currently call me their sponsor, and one that i gratefully accept today. i watched the pageant of life for far too long, and if i have any regrets today, when i live for a few minutes in my past, it is that i wish i had woken up a bit sooner.
following the direction given to me by my sponsor, to share what it was like when i started this set of steps, living in the present was something i was familiar with and did, for the most part, quite well. sure i am far from perfect, but as i have become better at it, when i approached STEP FOUR, the trepidation i once felt was not there. it is true, what i wrote was about a time in my distant past. it is true, that i had thought i had resolved that part of my past and put it into its proper perspective and it is also true, that i had not, and finally after 40 years i could finally integrate that part of my past into who i am today.
at the top i alluded to something i heard yesterday, namely that everyone lies. little lies, big lies, inconsequential lies and the litany of the types of lies could go on and on. as i sat in my TENTH STEP last night, that little slice of reality kept popping up, and i ended up being quite certain, that not addressing that statement, was the best course of action. the fact of the matter is, that in that instance an other person was asking for forgiveness, through rationalization and justification. by not buying what was being sold, i forced them to open up a bit and start rebuilding a relationship based on honesty. i still wonder what else needs to be revealed before they can move into today and leave the past behind them. for mew, it is a matter of just letting go and forgiving the alleged wrongs that i have built up in my head. for me, it means getting past what i think and into what i am seeing. for me, it means returning to the stage of life and getting busy with what i need to accomplish for work today. for me, that means time to say ta-ta for now and grab a shower, after all i am not being paid to be some sort of…

∞ DT ∞