Blog entry for:

the past may seem inescapable and overpowering, it may be hard to think of myself in any way other than the way i always have. i do not know whether it was shame or despair that prevented me from accepting that i was an addict, since i was so disconnected from my feelings back in those days. i do know that i was certain that this was not the path that my life needed to be on, and that although i could not stop using, even for a day, i just had a perception problem and not one that ran as deep as the term addict implies. well i was correct in those days, i did have a perception problem, and i am grateful that the members who were in the room when i got here, helped me to see that denial was killing me, and keeping from becoming something more than i had always been. toady, as i look back on hard i fought the notion that i was an addict, i wonder how different my recovery would have been, had i accepted that fact right from the start and moved forward. the answer i get, is that i would not have probably come as far up this path as i am now. i would have been denying my **true** self, and once again became something i was not, just for appearances. yes, it would have been a whole lot less painful, and yes it would have made profound changes in my life form the start, but would i really have been ready to accept those gifts with my whole self? who knows, and since the reading is about letting go of my past, i will move forward from here. that part of my recovery is in my past, and it is part of my experience. by being one of those stubborn ones, i learned a different appreciation for this path i am continuing up these days. the sum total of all my experience has brought me to who and what i am today, and none of it can be discounted. i had to go through it all, DAMMIT!
so when i look at who i am today, through that lens, i have HOPE that i can become the man i always wanted to be. i have HOPE that the process is still active and will continue to work on me, so that i can once again decide not to use no matter what tomorrow. yes the past is part of me, but it is a part that i can look at, evaluate and put away. after all, there is nothing i can change and i can let go of the power it may or may not have over me. that is my choice today! and i choose to live in the HERE and NOW! so TA-TA for now and into taking care of what i need to take care of so i can maintain my life today.

∞ DT ∞