Blog entry for:

those same memories, however can also keep me stuck in a nightmare of shame and fear. each day in recovery can bring me that much farther away from my active addiction. the operative phrase here is **can**, as in has the ability to. there is no certainty that each day will take me a day further from active addiction, although if i stay clean it WILL take me one day further away from the last time i used. for me, that distinction is of paramount importance, and although some may say that i am splitting hairs and playing tricks with semantics, precision in my language is something i strive for, especially in the internal dialogue that after eleven and a half years, still goes on all the time.
so the caveat provided by the word **can** is easily resolved. if i live a program of active recovery, involving myself in all levels of my personal recovery and taking the action necessary to sustain the flow of power from the POWER that keeps me clean, it is quite likely that i will move one further from active addiction, that is the HOPE and that is the promise of the fellowship that has given me the means to live a new way of life. the other gift i have been given recently, is getting to be present to witness what happens when a member forgets that they have only today, and returns to living in the past. it really is quite disconcerting to watch someone crawl back into their glory days and lose all focus on what they can accomplish in the here and now. the glory days i am referring to here are not those days in active addiction, no they are fondly recalling the days they last spent in active recovery. back when they were teachable, before they had all the answers and were actually a welcomed part of the solution. for me, looking at this example drives home the point even more, that i NEED to be present for what is going on today, in the her and now, and let go of what happened yesterday or a year ago, or even five years ago. all of that is irrelevant today, and it is up to me to be an active participant in my recovery, focus on the here and now, and use my past as a tool to grow today, not as a weapon with which i beat myself, nor use to elevate myself above my peers.
so sitting here this morning, i can be grateful for my past, and with some perspective i can see that my active addiction was a mixture of nightmarish events as well as some moments of ecstasy, but mostly a long chain of days of indifferent gray. from my vantage point in recovery, the real nightmare was living in the gray, that is a place that i sincerely hope i never have to return to, and i will not, as long as i live the program to the best of my ability.
so off to the showers and into the real world, as that seems to be the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞