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so a couple of things came up this morning, when i stopped telling myself stories and listened to what i needed to hear and feel. first off, a close friend lost his mother yesterday, and although i learned about it on FB, i called and offered my condolences, instead of texting or commenting. i knew than as i know now, that was the next right thing to do and i am starting to get the hang of this feeling my way through to the next right thing, rather than thinking my way through.
which brings me to the second theme i heard this morning, letting go of my past. i know i have been whining more than a bit about how troublesome i find my behavior lately. how my defects of character are activating my shortcomings. how i am seeing the world through the eyes of someone who has been gone for a few years now and who once was a rebellious, angst-filled teenager, that wanted to show how adult he was. yes that someone was me, and that time seems like a million years ago, but was probably less than a decade. in that part of my life, i had done things and been places that i never ever dreamed i would be able to do, and yet there was a peer, friend and acquaintance, that treated my as if i was some sort of idiot savant, young, perhaps advanced, but not ready fro the real adult world. the sad part, as i came to find out, that was how they treated everyone. no one was as smart, as experienced and as nuanced as they were, and everyone needed an education under their tutelage. when i was young in recovery i suckled at that teat with relish, but as i grew up, i chafed more and more under the yoke of a relationship based on something i was not.
as i grow, i find that nearly all of those with whom i have relationships with, especially in recovery, seem to grow as well. they change to meet the exigent circumstances and as my friends, peers and acquaintances grow, i certainly i allow for a similar change to occur as well. just as i require and today even demand the freedom to be allowed to grow up, so i NEED to give my friends, peers and acquaintances that same space.
what is important for me to feel and see this morning, is that relationship ended very badly, because i could not get what i wanted and could not give what i wanted to give, as they were unwilling to accept that. my part was that i grew beyond the constraints of that relationship, and what was once acceptable to me, had become intolerable. so when i feel myself on what appear to be the receiving end of that sort of relationships, i scream, i yell, i kick and i resist quite vocally. well, honestly, there really are no relationships like that left in my life and none that even come close to emulating that toxicity. what i think is not what i feel and what was, is no more. today, as i get the 25 foot commute to work, i can be certain that those who are speaking to me, whether or not they agree or disagree with what i am saying, are not in the process of pushing me back into that box of horrors. today i can walk in the certainty that yes i am growing up, and more importantly i am more than the victim of my past, just for today.

∞ DT ∞