Blog entry for:

to punish myself for, as i work a program of active recovery. that is not to say, that i have entirely rid myself of the **ghosts of Christmas past,** that still evoke feelings of guilt and shame. as the lock-down hammer move closer and closer to me, i have already decided that going into the office, is not something i will do anymore. as much as i **desire** the FREEDOM to come and go, i also have to balance that with the responsibility to do my part in slowing down the progression of COVID-19, which for me, means being more compliant with the recommendations that have come down from the CDC.
as i “sat” this morning, i stumbled across a feeling or two, that deals directly with the situation at hand. back in my life as in active addiction, i was far from a “faithful” lover and as a result, ended up passing along some nasty little bugs to my fiancé. she suffered through numerous medical tests and doctor visits before they finally got a clue as to what was going on with her. of course, back in the day, the last thing i was going to admit to, was that i was less than faithful and she never asked. our brief and tumultuous marriage was based on an unspoken lie. when the time came, that i could finally make my amends to her, i had to tread very carefully through the minefield of what i did, including cheating on her, lest i cause her any more harm than i already had done. it would have been great to unburden myself on her and dump everything that caused me shame in regards to that relationship, into her lap. i am grateful that my sponse provided me the guidance that he did, so when it came time to forgive myself for my past, there was not a new amends to make. honestly, i was pissed off that i could not just dump my shite in her lap and walk away. that anger faded and when it came time for me to write my next inventory, i saw that if i had not followed direction, i would have been in a world of hurting, when it came time for me to start to forgive myself.
acting out in self-will, is really no different than that. my household is anxious about what is going on around us. when i step out for hours on end, i do very little to ameliorate their fears. rebel or not, i need to allow myself the freedom to comply and be okay with my “virtual” recovery. i have a very comfortable life. i have a life that for the most part is drama-free. if i desire to keep it that way and not introduce more shame into the mix, i can be okay doing the next right thing. that next right thing, these days anyhow, is not being around groups of people and doing my best to comply with the practices being set out by the officials that are trying to keep the economy going and COVID-19 from spreading any faster. i will see how much i chafe under the yoke of that next right thing, just for today.

∞ DT ∞