Blog entry for:

when i read this reading this morning, my emotional reaction was a very favorable emotional one. when i was younger in my recovery, that feeling would cause me to say with something very similar to: “i really liked this reading.”
whether or not i like a particular reading or not, is not the point this morning. what is the point is that this reading, restored HOPE. the HOPE, that no matter what life throws at me, i will be able to stay clean and do this recovery gig. there is a future and there is a payoff, in fact there are a lot of prizes and the only price, and yes it is a BIG ONE, is that no matter what, i have to stay clean.
whatever had my knickers in such a bun the other day, is in the past. i know that i can reminisce about what seemed to be better days, or i can hold my head high and move forward into the here and now. yes i have to make few decisions that are difficult today, and perhaps i will have to make some more tomorrow. the only thing that is keeping me from doing so is FEAR. i am afraid that i may be making the wrong decision. in the past that FEAR locked me into a living a life by default. although living by default is an interesting concept, it was one that allowed me to believe that i was not responsible for what happened in my life. each time, that indecision led to consequences i did not like, i could rail against how unfair, cruel and unjust the world was to me. living a program of recovery, allows me to see, that was just my way of avoiding my responsibility, and today that may still be an option, but one i actively choose not to exercise.
so all this talk of regretting my past and dreading my future, sounds like i have moved away from the path in front of me. i have and i have not, yes there are some bad decisions i have made in the past that are biting me in the ass this morning, in fact, that pain has finally motivated me to do something more, as living by default is not where i want to go today. what i want to do, and what recovery will allow me to do, is live in the here and now, and make decisions, as difficult as they may be, that assures me of a brighter future. today, i GET to listen to a FIFTH STEP. today i GET to go discuss a book. today, i GET to take care of myself with a massage. today, i have the time to move forward on a project that i have been avoiding and get closer to completing it. most of today i GET to CHOOSE to live a program of active recovery and in that mode, i believe i will take care of what has been bugging me, jump in the shower, invest some time in my path ahead and see how i can listen for and hear the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is a good day to be clean, after all.

∞ DT ∞