Blog entry for:

choices today, is to swell in my past, making myself miserable, resentful and full of shame. not exactly a picture of spiritual or emotional health. once upon a time, i thought i was doomed to dwell in that house of pain, except when i stuck my head in the medicine jar. for those twenty minutes of bliss, i could let go of what was and not worry about what would be. even after getting clean, i still believed that the immutable past would rule my destiny and i would never be anything more than an addict who was not using. it was not until i worked my first “serious” FOURTH STEP with the sponsor that took me on when i finally came to recovery, that i started to have a bit of HOPE that i could break the ties that bound me to t=my unsavory past. it took three more FIFTH STEPS to finally release the hold that my past had on me, and even today a few years later i am still learning how to forgive myself for wounding myself for so long, just so i would not have to deal with the pain and shame i never wanted to feel again.
today, as i walked the five miles that i had sort of planned to walk, i was struck by the fact that i could forgive myself with little to no effort. i am not that little boy at five and half years old who was an emotional wreck and the pain and betrayal i felt that day, while still fresh, no longer need define how i interact with the world. the perpetrator of that event and the cruel jokester that retold the story of that day is dead and is no longer capable of causing that pain ever again. the only closure i am ever going to get, is from myself as she never even asked to be forgiven, even after being confronted while she was still “with it.” i can carry that weight and be miserable, OR i can forgive her and myself and move on, dropping along the side of my road of my ongoing recovery. today, i choose to let it go and concentrate on being the best person i can be, without the simmering anger of “HOW DARE SHE!!”
as i wrap this up, i can feel my spirit getting a bit lighter and my mood improving just a tad bit. sure, i still have more than one onerous person in my life, but i CHOOSE not to give them any of the little bit of personal power that i happen to possess at this time. soon enough i will be sitting with one of the men that call me their sponsor and working through his stuff and now that mine is pushed a bit to the side, i will be able to be present for what he needs, just for today.

∞ DT ∞