Blog entry for:

with the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery and with the world around me. the TENTH STEP and ELEVENTH STEP, all in a single reading, how convenient. of course it make perfect sense, and of course it should be part of how one does a daily inventory, what should be and what is, is not always quite the same thing for me. there are times when i KNOW that i am acting totally willfully and with total disregard with my values and yes <DARE I SAY IT?> morals. there are other times, in fact most of the time, when all of my actions are guided by the values i have come to recognize as part of the person i am becoming. a TENTH STEP each and every night, is my tool to see how well i am doing and what needs to be corrected, either by step work, or a chat with a trusted member of the fellowship.
moving on. so yes i am part of the chorus on this reading, and i could continue my cheerleader prose and be good with what i put up. what is on my mind this morning, however is a combination of all sorts of themes that may or may not be a part of the notions that this reading is trying to express. i have been focused lately on the actions of my peers and seeing in their behaviors the parts of me, that i do not see as the vision of the person i am in the process of becoming. i really do dislike the part of me, that wants to be all things to all people and have them fawning all over me, as if i am some recovery demi-gawd. i want them to believe that i everything i do, is my choice and not one that is forced upon me. i want them to believe that no matter how terrible my day is going, i can be a beacon of recovery hope shining through the refuse pile of daily living. i want to be more popular, more sought after and the center of the world, and when i do not get that reality, i end up in a petulant frenzy, like some two year old.so lately my TENTH STEP has turned the focus over to the theme of this reading, how well did i live up to the vision of the man i wish to become, and if i strayed, how far do i have to go to correct those missteps.
those around me, can do and be what they want, in fact the worse they behave the better it is for me to see where i am falling short. ever since my sponse suggested that perhaps living in accordance to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery for me as being living in harmony with the world and myself in it, i have been set free to see what that means. what i am starting to come to is that means that IF i want to continue on this path that i am walking, i need to let go of trying to appear to be what i am not. i do not live in a world of “positive affirm nations” nor do i want to spin everything into the mysteries of a divine will. LIFE ⇔ SH!T happens, that just is what is. dealing with it, at least for me, does not mean i have to change it around to fit my preconceptions of what would be nice, spin it into my little and quite narrow world view. in fact, just accepting it, as it is, warts and all, is a better process for me than trying to fit it into something it is not or i am not.
so the day progresses, i have inches of sublimated precipitation to remove from my driveway, sidewalk and patio, so it is a better idea to head on to the next chore and see how i can be a part of my day, instead of its victim.

∞ DT ∞