Blog entry for:

through intimacy . i have to admit, i have had some very strange notions of what it means to be intimate, across the course of my life and being vulnerable and showing my feelings were not part of that package. i truly believed that “being intimate” with someone meant sex, and boy oh boy was i flabbergasted when i discovered that was a fallacy i had fostered for quite some time. it is true that when i first got clean and in my early recovery i would reveal an hidden part of myself to someone as a“trust bomb,” and wait to see how long it would take to get around the fellowship. amazingly, everyone i exploded those trust bombs all over, were faithful to maintaining my trust and nothing that i did not want to let out, got out.
these days i as i help one of the men who calls me his sponse navigate the pain of a breakup, i am attempting to teach him how he can be the person he aspires to be: open, vulnerable and able to express how he is feeling. he sees all of that in me and i have yet to tell him that i was not born this way, nor did i come to recovery with any sense that someday i might be the sort of person to someone might aspire to emulate.
there are still days when i want to run and hide. when those days are upon me, the last thing i want anyone to see is that i am living in FUD, after all, that mat=y spoil someone''s carefully crafted image of who and what i am. therein lies the rub, my life is far from perfect and i am far too human to live on a pedestal, no matter how well i may appear to be doing. the reading reminds me that just for today, i need not be worried about what others may think, because i am not broken beyond repair and i am on a path that leads to becoming the sort of person i never though i had the desire to be. remembering that, allows me to trust others and yes, be intimate with them.

∞ DT ∞