Blog entry for:

or mine? that my friends is always an interesting question, and one that needs to be dealt with through living the steps, rather than reactivity in my daily inventory.
after sitting in a meeting where one of my peers, regaled us with hilarious tales of their end of using days, their days of whines and boozes as it were, i left feeling as if there was something i missed. following their lead, the tales of terror continued until someone finally stepped up to the plate and knocked a home run out of the ball park, speaking about how their obsession to use had interfered with what they needed to accomplish. most of the time, i am frigging spiritual enough to allow that sort of crap roll off my back and move on, but yesterday i was in a “weird” and sullen mood anyhow, so all the war stories did, is exacerbate my less than stellar desire to act out and punch pout someone verbally, very publicly and with extreme prejudice. feeling the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, i decided to keep quiet, and move quickly to the safety of my abode, where i could do a TENTH STEP inventory and move on.
this morning, as i sit here and consider, i know that i heard what i needed to hear last night, once again. my emotional reaction was appropriate and my behavior, while not stellar, caused no harm. that means i successfully navigated yet another tricky situation. ironically, many who participated in creating the hateful situation in my head, are the same subset that speak about how they shame themselves when they do not behave according to their ideals of spiritual growth. being one of those who has moved beyond living in a shameful state, who acknowledges that i am not perfect and will behave badly, i could get into my smug and oh so superior mode, which is also familiar territory for me. what stops me from that is what i felt as i sat and listened this morning. what i heard was that i felt envious and angry, because i did not steal the spotlight away with a titillating and salacious share that chopped the legs off of my peer. yes, because i chose to do nothing, instead of what my natural instinct was screaming for me to do, i ended up in a resentful state that might have resulted in more than a bit of damage to myself, my relationships and certainly to my fellowship. who said being spiritual is easy?
it certainly is easy to dissect what happened twelve hours later, and i see that at least in this case, i am acting less and less in my default mode, which is to be the center of attention, make everything that was shared before disappear into a cloud of absurdity and get everyone talking about what the bomb i just exploded in the room. what i see is that i am learning how to carry my principles into my walking and waking experience. among the set of feelings that my choice to do nothing tripped off, there was no shame, no guilt and as i walked away there was no “i should have…” at least in that moment i was capable of tapping into the spiritual wealth and abundance i have been given and choose to not do the next wrong thing. removing myself before i reacted publicly was also part of doing the next right thing, because someone just may have asked me what did i think, and i am quite certain the restraint i had been given by the POWER that fuels my recovery,m would have flown out the window.
so back to the top GOD's will or mine? that question is how i live my days, even though i may not consciously invoke that incantation after every crossroads throughout my day. it is good to know that i have enough experience in my recovery that it happens more often than not, by default, and for that i am grateful today.

∞ DT ∞