Blog entry for:

in my life has been an overarching theme lately. i cannot or will not accept the reality of where things are going and as a result use every ounce of my willpower to change that trajectory. not being able to alter the course of many things in my life, does not mean i STOP. there are times when i know i am acting in opposition to the values i have come to accept. there are times when i am looking for an exit strategy from the responsibilities i have taken on. as bad as all that may seem, what i heard this morning was not about how bad things are, at least in my not so humble opinion, but rather how much i may actually have to offer, as i walk through these trying times.
as i have made more than crystal clear over the course of these little bits and bytes of daily musings, i am not a huge fan of attributing human attributes to the POWER that fuels my recovery. in fact, i adamantly oppose any sort of definition when it comes to that POWER. as a result, when i stumble across the idea of GOD's will versus self-will, i need to walk a very fine line, between what i believe and what i need to believe. i find nothing wrong with looking at my behaviors, attitudes and feelings on a daily basis and measuring them against the spiritual principles i have come to accept. i also can see that in real-time, i often can determine that i am acting out of self-entitled, selfish, self-obsessed self-will. where i get stuck, however, is the notion that self-will is in direct opposition of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, as that would imply that POWER had attributes that are not part of my spiritual path. with that, the loop begins, and i start spinning around the ideas of what is and what i think is and end-up doing living in fearful indecision, all for the want of a bit of clarity.
this morning, as i listened, what i heard was that maybe, just maybe, i need to let go of what i think and go with what i feel. i know that there is a POWER that fuels my recovery. i also know that by this time in my recovery, i have come to a place where i certainly know what the next right things to do is, in most cases. i can spin for as long as i wan t to, but in the long run, how i see the spiritual side of recovery, will never match how my peers see it and i no longer NEED to labor under the illusion that i NEED to make my view match their vision.
GOD's will for me, today? for certain, to stay clean one more day. maybe to hit the streets and get some miles in, before i go on-call and to make the lives of my aging parents, a bit less stress-filled, no matter what. can i live up to that? i really do not see any reason that might prevent that from happening, but this day is still very young and there is plenty of minutes in this day, to step out in self-will. just because i have the DESIRE to be better than i was, does not mean i have the will to do so, i am after all, just another addict in recovery.

∞ DT ∞