Blog entry for:

on a daily basis, i take time to look at my behavior and often find that i am living in harmony with my values. however, there is that quite common fact, that i am not. i have come to understand that the principles that i espouse are more than likely a glimpse of the will of my concept of a HIGHER POWER. i am just a bit scattered today, trying my best to stay focused but finding my mind drifting on way and the other, so i will do my best to focus on this task, and stop switching between the news and writing about what is on my mind.
part of my problem this morning, is that i know what a valuable tool the TENTH STEP is for me, and i use that tool. on the other hand i have a very limited understanding about what the will of a HIGHER POWER is for me, except for for the part about staying clean no matter what. so the crux of my problem is how to i behave in accordance with something i am so uncertain about. well that is always the problem. my sponsor keeps telling me to allow myself to respond to my intuitive sense about such things. he assures me, that as i grow in my recovery, i can learn how to trust my intuition. it was my intuitive feelings that allowed me to act with total disregard of the consequences and the damage of my life as an active addict. so the conflict that is within in me, is am i well enough to start living a life that consults with and uses my intuition? being the rationalist that i am, i have trouble accepting that as time goes by, as i work steps, as i get further away from my life as an actively using addict, that those parts of me, that caused the greatest damage have actually started to heal. so once again, i need to look rationally at the evidence of what is going on in my life, and as the reading suggests, the TENTH STEP is the vehicle i can use. my inventory can be more inclusive than just an examination of my actions over the course of my conscious day, and i have chosen to make it more than that. i also examine my feelings, attitudes, and if i fostered my recovery during that slice of life. and as i am just beginning to realize, all of that is a manner by whi8ch i can gauge whose will it is that i am living in.
well once i got going i did get somewhere significant for this addict. so with that thought it is time to go live up to my responsibilities and see what i can accomplish today.

∞ DT ∞