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whose will is it anyway? examining my actions, my behaviors, my feelings and my reactions to the world around me, often gives me a clue or two as to whether i am living up to the values i have discovered as a result of the this whole recovery gig. it is not that those values were somehow discarded in active addiction, not at all, they were just buried deep within me to protect myself from having to deal with the inconsistencies of the ways and means to find and get more. and trust me, those means often violated the values that i had been taught and came to believe over the course of my life. not that i was some kind of devilish barbarian walking around killing, raping and pillaging at will, although at times it felt like it. but i was definitely living in self-will, and the result of that behavior was the lies i had to tell myself in order to survive until i got high again.
but the converse is not true either. recovery has not made me a saint and i have yet to walk through my day giving away all that i have with a blessing to everyone and everyone that happens to cross my path. no what recovery has made me is a human being and made me realize that the world is not black and white, and that shades of gray even apply to me! i am better at living up to those values i have come to recognize and cherish, but am and never will be perfectly capable of living those values twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. and i can accept that fact today. this is where the idea of a daily inventory is so important to me. if i have a manner of comparing my behaviors to my values in a critical manner, i have a chance to alter my behaviors tomorrow. after all, knowledge is power! and that knowledge as well as that power is a gift from the path of recovery and from the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS! i choose to recover and today i choose to accept that power, so i no longer have to live in denial of my true self and my values. do i enjoy looking over my day with a critical eye on a periodic basis? not really, it interferes with the stuff i want to do like: go to sleep, play a computer game or just IM with my friends, acquaintances and associates BUT it is a necessary part of this life i choose to live. i want to be more than i ever was and the only way i know how to make that happen is to follow the path that has been blazed by those who have gone before me. and i am comfortable accepting that is the easier softer way today -- at least for this addict!

∞ DT ∞