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with a HIGHER POWER*s will for me, the greater the harmony in my life and the world around me. my tool for looking over my actions on at least a daily basis is a TENTH Step inventory. the yardstick i use? are my behaviors consistent with my desire to grow into the man i was always meant to be? a bit different than the one suggested, or is it? the ELEVENTH STEP speaks of my true will aligning with that of my HIGHER POWER, and i have come to see, that my true will for myself is to grow into that person, through the recovery process. so any actions i take in that respect, are probably in accordance with the will of a HIGHER POWER. the tricky part comes when i have to really look at my actions and see if they are self-will or a reflection of my true will. as long as i am walking in a human body, this struggle between the wills, will be manifest in me, just because i have some time clean, does not mean that i have found the secret to instantly determining whether any action is self-will or not. it is true i have developed some tools, like being present for what is happening inside and all around me. paying attention to my feelings and intuition in the here and now, is a relatively new skill, and one that i am still working on. it does allow me, when i can use it, to stop my actions before they move into the self-will and end up causing damage. oh yeah, i did forget to mention, that the biggest test of self-will versus true will, is does this action cause damage. acting out of true will, is very unlikely to damage anyone or anything. acting out in self-will, is very unlike not to. i, however, digress.
the TENTH STEP inventory, as i practice it, gives me a chance to review what i have done, and see which will i acted out. the results are always mixed, and for me, finding out where i was in my true will is as important of me as uncovering where self-will ran rampant. i NEED to balance those aspects of my daily life, as a measure poof progress towards my goal of becoming the sort of person i have always dreamed of being. it is because i see the world in black and white, that i must do this on a daily basis. one of the things i am most surprise to discover is how my actions do not always neatly fit into one category or another. it is here where the growth begins for me. it is this gray area between the wills where i have the greatest opportunity to see where i am going. quite honestly, unless i let my ego take over, most of my acts on a daily basis, have very little effect on the world around me, as such they are neither true will or self-will, they are just responding to life on it’s own terms. the tricky ones are those actions that contain elements of both true will and self will. these are the actions where one decision, or one extra moment of thought would have swung them to the true will side.
yesterday,, i can]m across one of those, and this morning i am still waiting to see how it will play out for me. a friend is suffering severe consequences for his actions. he has been calling, and although he did not directly ask me, he hinted that i should intervene on his behalf with the person responsible for putting him where he is. i told him, i was already talking to that person, and it was him. so quite honestly a mixed action, as he already knew that fact. so as i sit here this morning, i have a desire to help my friend move forward. i have the desire to intervene and throw down my two cents. i have the desire to ignore his next phone call. so i have many courses of action and no conclusive path to travel, yet. my actions? listen to what my gut is telling me, as i have already asked for guidance in this matter. so the next right thing to do, is to bundle up and get the snow rearranged once more. life is good and i can be a force fore more than just destruction today.

∞ DT ∞